is this it?

so this is what dying feels like…

crippling

“It was a crippling thing, this sensation that a huge hole had been punched through my chest, excising my most vital organs and leaving ragged, unhealed gashes around the edges that continued to throb and bleed despite the passage of time. Rationally, I knew my lungs must still be intact, yet I gasped for air and my head spun like my efforts yielded me nothing. My heart must have been beating, too, but I couldn’t hear the sound of my pulse in my ears; my hands felt blue with cold. I curled inward, hugging my ribs to hold myself together. I scrambled for my numbness, my denial, but it evaded me.”

grey.1

“Maybe we like the pain. Maybe we’re wired that way. Because without it, I don’t know; maybe we just wouldn’t feel real. What’s that saying? Why do I keep hitting myself with a hammer? Because it feels so good when I stop. “

-Meredith Grey

i’m not a princess…

So you’re sorry
that face of an angel
comes out just when you need it to
and that face back and forth all this time
because I honestly believed in you
holding on
and days track on
stupid girl,
I should have known, I should have known
I am not a princes, this ain’t a fairy tale
Try to catch me now, it’s too late to catch me now

I’m not a princess, this ain’t a fairy tale
I’m not the one to sweep off her feet,
Lead her up the stairwell
This ain’t Hollywood, this is a small town,
I was a dreamer before you went and let me down
Now it too late for you and your white horse, to come around

Baby I was naive,
and lost in your eyes
and never really had a chance
I had so many dreams
about you and me
happy endings
now I know
I am not a princes, this ain’t a fairy tale
Try to catch me now, it’s too late to catch me now

I’m not a princess, this ain’t a fairy tale
I’m not the one to sweep off her feet,
Lead her up the stairwell
This ain’t Hollywood, this is a small town,
I was a dreamer before you went and let me down
Now it too late for you and your white horse, to come around

-Taylor Swift
catch.me.now

i’ve got moves u ain’t seen

as early as now, i feel like i have exchausted half of my moves for year.
though i am optimistic thinking i have doubled my capacity as i would like to each year.
lemme see, counting off my fingers…

changed companies. i have ended my almost 3 years stint in company NP and have moved closer to home.
i’ll call it company T.after months of contemplating on whether i could do it, i was able to muster enough courage
and made the move. i could not say it was not easy. but it was good. company NP, in all fairness, tried to counter, but no price could be enough to pay for company T’s location. albeit, i still hold the same public service post of a Team Lead, there are numerous perks. i no longer have to commute a cumulative 4 hours a day to get to and from work. i only have to spend a total of 15 minutes, 20 if i am taking my time, walking to and from work. once again, i’m enjoying the comforts of being just a stone’s throw away from home. i sleep peacefully at night-yes, i’m no longer in the graveyard shift- knowing i was able to give 110% to my job without sacrificing any quality time with my family.

changed homes. with a new office comes a new house that we now proudly call home. it was such a process moving single-handedly facilitated by my caring partner, which resulted to him being sick the following week. as undomesticated as i am, my partner patiently did his part and more in making sure our new abode would be comfortable.i made it up to him by making sure he got well really soon a couple of days after. now we have new neighbors, my kids have new playmates and we have a new town to explore.

changed tactics.i don’t particularly like using the term “tactics” since it sounds so scheming but it is the most apt. i have found new courage that sprung in me my newfound confidence. eversince these moves i have faced challenges without recognizing they were challenges at all until after i’m done dealing with them and relishing the thought that i was able to do it.i now rally on headfirst, almost always. there’s a new task given to me, i study it as quickly as i can and make sure i dleiver way before the deadline. more tasks assigned to me, i thyink ‘i must be doing well then’. people doesn’t like me? could hardly give a damn. people liking me? well, who wouldn’t? i guess what i’m trying to say is inside me now is a newfound optimism that not even the most hopeless of cases could put down. no failed attempt could dampen my spirits now. and it feels good. i don’t know how and why i found this but i just know i did. when i find out, i would blog about it.

change is constant.change is good.and hell yeah i’m loving it!