ndi m alam kung gaano nya ako nasaktan nung dumating ka sa buhay nya…
ndi m alam kung gaano nadurog ang puso ko nung iniwan nya ako dahil sa yo…
he was my strength then…he was my happiness…he was my life…
i know now that was wrong… but u couldn’t blame me…
by now alam mo na kung paano siya magmahal…
kng bakit ganito ang aking nararamdaman…

ung tinutukoy m na parang ikaw ang pinakamagandang babae para sa kanya…
ikaw ang pinakamagandang prinsesa…ikaw ang kanyang reyna…walang iba…
siya nga yun…

ung “calls from diff parts of the country” and “romantic places”…
ung “spending time even if he’s stressed out”…
ung mga yakap na parang wala na siyang ibang mahihiling pa kundi makasama ka habangbuhay…
siya yun…

u dnt knw hw much it cost me to loose all of those things to you…
but he’s taught me how to love unconditionally…
and i was able to reach a point kung saan masaya ako na nakikita ko siyang masaya…
though i know i ain’t the reason for that happiness…
bsta masaya siya ok na…
pero anong ginawa m?

how could you?
pinipilit kong isipin na may maganda kang dahilan…
pinipilit kong hanapan ng katwiran kung bakit siya nasaktan…
pero kahit anong gawin ko hindi ko maiwasan…
naiinis ako sa yo, minsan nagagalit ako…
and that’s saying something…
kc kng kilala m ako…
malalaman mong ndi ako marunong magalit…

at the back of my mind…naiintindihan ko ang nangyari sa inyo…
pilit kong pinapaliwanag sa kanya kahit mahirap…
kahit hindi kita kilala…pinagtatanggol kita…
kahit masakit,pinipilit ko siyang mapatawa…
you must have your reasons as to why you’ve let ’tis happen…
pero sana naman, kahit konti lang…
nagawa mo siyang ipaglaban…
kc ipaglalaban ka nya…
ipaglalaban nya ung relationship nyo…
in a way na ndi nya gnawa sa relationship namin…
alam m ba kng gaano kasakit ang malaman…
na handa ka nyang ipaglaban kahit saan,kahit kailan…
pero ndi mo man lang un pinahalagahan…
in ur own words “u didn’t choose to take that extra mile…”
how could you?

and now u’re unto this charade of practically broadcasting to everyone that u’re ok?
that u’re going out? and moving on? and couldn’t have been better?
haven’t you done enough?

alam m bang he’s always on the lookout for mickey mouse stuff for you whenever we’re out?
the last one he’s given you, ksama pa nya ako bumili…
ako pa nkakita nung store kc may winnie the pooh…
pero ndi nya npansin c winnie the pooh…
nkita nya agad ung mickey mouse…dahil sa yo…
(i never like mickey mouse )
no u wouldn’t know how that felt…

alam m ba kng ilang beses nya pinutol ang friendship namin dahil ayaw m?
alam m ba na nung minsan ako pa ang naghatid sa kanya sa mtng place nyo…
(kc ikaw ang nagdecide kng san kayo magmimeet at ndi nya alam un)

i know u’re NOT ok…you’re actions say so…
i also know he is NOT ok… his eyes say so…
i’m trying my best to keep his mind off things…
to cheer him up… but no matter what i do…
i know i cannot make him as happy as he would be
if u’ve just chosen to take the extra mile…
8months ago i’ve begged him to stay…
he stayed, but with someone else…with you…
and now you’ve let him go…how could you?
sana man lang kahit konti, u’ve fought for him…
like he would’ve for you…

it may sound like it pero ndi kita sinisisi…
di naman tlaga ako kasali…
i know wala akong karapatan at wla ako dpat pakialam…
i know umiiyak ka at nahihirapan..
ganun din sha, npagod n lng cguro siya,
ginusto n lng nya magpahinga…
pero ndi mo alam sa nangyari…
ndi m rin nman sinasadya…
at kahit ayaw ko…
nasasaktan ako…
how could you?

just when i thought my heart was broken… it’s been torn apart into smaller pieces… over and over and over… how much more i could take the pain is beyond me….

i should pour these all out to you… people say it’s the right thing to do…. everyone around me says you should get what you deserve… pounds of pain…. torrent of words that are my emotions…

but i just can’t… i tried but i can’t seem to discover anger… can’t seem to discover the desire to hurt you… i’m an emotional spendthrift they say…. a masochist of feelings… but that’s how i am… up until now and despite everything i’ve been through… i still can’t believe any reason for which one would hurt anyone he cared for….

i’m tired of crying… of trying to decipher why and how… sometimes i spend hours just staring into space….

been out and about the past few weeks worrying… drowning in my suspicions…. thinking of my greatest fear nowadays… and you easily just brush all those as plain paranoia…

i can’t help but thinking if for once you sincerely cared for me… for now, not even a trace of your so-called love is left… not in you, not in the air…. and people don’t love like that, do they?

here i am flailing in misery, while you’re busying yourself with your newfound love…. i’m sorry, it’s so hard to believe…
that we had spent months of a blissful relationship…
with you telling me that you’d never been happier,
more contented and never felt more ready to finally settle down than when you were with me…
that you’d like to get to know my family and would do anything foe them to accept you…
and that you’d be breaking up with me two days later…
that you’d have a new girlfriend a week after that…
that you’d have forgotten me even before i realized what’s happening..
that there are people like you who could not only break my heart…
but trample my self-esteem…
and take away all the hope that’s left in me…

don’t expect me to be ok…. even if i want to, i can’t…
i know i would be, eventually, but i don’t know when…
and definitely i won’t do moving on with somebody else’s arms around me…
don’t expect me to do what you’re doing…
you can’t expect me to be doing something that is currently killing me…
i’m not like that…
it’s just not in me….

do you know how it feels to be lied to after giving your trust, against everyone’s will? do you know how it feels that i’ve finally been given hope of true happiness and i suddenly found out it’s all farce?? do you know how it is to feel I must’ve done something wrong for you to leave me without any warning?? do you know how it feels when somethin that’s so ok… even beyond ok… is suddenly taken away from you… with you not being able to fight for it… no matter how you want to….

do you know that i still cry myself to sleep nowadays?? do you know that everytime friends ask me about you, my tears would just spill? do you know that i sometimes have to get out of the office suddenly, just to take some fresh air, for i feel my heart would burst of suffocation, but it ain’t the closed space, it’s the pain…. do you know that yesterday, i boarded a bus at 4:30am and alicia keys’ voice played the minute i got to a seat, it was too much that i just sat there crying, to lonely to care if anyone’s looking… do you know that just the mere mention of your name gets my throat constricted…. do you know that i can’t even bear to look at that “site” anymore…

every night, i rewind and play our days in my mind, trying to see where i went wrong… and still failing to find out why you left me… moreover failing to discover how is it that you’ve found someone new a mere week after… failed to see the logic in the fact that our pictures are all over this site and your pictures with her are plastered in another… refused to believe that you’d be heartless enough to dupe me while you know just what i’ve gone through recently… do you know that everytime i reach into my neck for the chain that you gave, memories of flash into my mind, until my eyes are once more filled…

do you know that every night, i still pray that when i wake up, everything would just turn out to be a nightmare… but it’s not… i guess that’s one prayer that can’t be granted….

why did you do this to me? why now? and why me? couldn’t you have picked someone else… you might think of less of me now… but i can’t be untrue to my self… i don’t go into a relationship just so i could have one… i get into one if the feelings are real… and if the person’s real….
i’ve got so many things to consider now and i’ve risked them all for you, but i don’t think you even thought of that…. and don’t expect me to jump into another man’s lap just because i’m free now… it’s just not me…