BIGAY TO NI TATAY

Sunday, August 28, 2005
bigay to ni tatay  

   my phone was just a few inches away from the lady’s hand,but i decided against it the last minute.no, i just could not give it up.
  
   bigay to ni tatay.

   it’s been more than ten years since he left the country for the so called greener pasture.that day is still vivid in memory.t’was a turning point, it marked the end of my childhood and the start of my eccentricity, that led to the person i am now.but what am i really now?
   
   tay,kilala mo pa ba ako?
   for children, 8 o’ clock is bedtime, but not for me.as a child, i hate going to sleep, especially when staying awake meant i would be waiting for my never failing variety of ‘pasalubong’-chips, little toys, books, my father would come up with all sorts of presents, that made him the most thoughtful man in my book.

   i’ve never been used to fairy tales for bedtime,i figured then i can read them on my own,the tales i favor most are the stories from my father’s days of work.it was from those stories that i’ve learned- theoretically at least-how one lives life, for himself and for others,the difference of what’s real from what’s farce, of what’s important from what’s not.he used to regale me with his stories in a non-imposing manner but i was compelled to listen anyway, and to believe.i was his fan, i am his number one fan.well okay,number two, nobody can top my mom.

   si Inay sigurista.
   back in primary school, my mother would always make sure i’ve the healthy combo for my baon,the stuff kids of those age hate to eat. i never bother to complain.
   si tatay kasi ang naghahatid sa akin araw-araw.
   my father would always give in whenever i ask him to buy the snacks i want.
   wag lang candies,ayaw na ayaw ni tatay na kumakain ako ng candy.

   until the fifth grade,i never got to carry my schoolbag,father would not let me.he would always buy those easy-to-pull rolling trolly bags every june for my own convenience,only for him to carry them up and down the school’s stairs.
   ayaw ni tatay ng nabibigatan ako sa kahit anong dinadala ko.  
(to be continued, naiiyak ako!lech!)

7 sept-hafta finish this…no more tears…
   one of things that i miss most are those motorcycle rides.my father has instilled in me the love for bikes.t’was like flying.whenever i’m down,i long to hop on a bike and temporarilyleave all worries behind, but he’s not there to drive.i do not know when i’d be flying again.i doubt he’d still be up to it.
   my father has never used the disciplinarian’s stick.he’s a non-believer of inflicting physical pain as a child’s punishment.he’ll indulge you in an awful silent treatment, so awful that you’d drive yourself nuts with guilt for whatever you’ve done and you’d never sit still ’til you’ve made your peace with him. he’s effective that way.
   he’s an undergrad, nevertheless he’s done everything to be a good provider.he’s taught me the importance of respect and honesty.too bad, he’s not around to see me learning and applying everything he’s taught.
   maybe he loves us too much, too much that it’s blinded him to the fact that i, we need him more than anything that he can earn.that day when he first left for another country is still etched in my mind,i was helpless as he was kind.he held me in his arms and whispered loads of requests,for me to take charge and take care of my mother and sibs.he whispered loads of promises while my tears flowed,unable to do anything.
   i was 11 then,i knew it would never be the same again, and that was the first time i had my heart broken.
   elementary school has commenced.my speech of gratitude was for tatay.i’ve delivered it while wishing i’d see you there among the audience,prepping myself for the most pleasant surprise.but no, you just promised you’d be there next time.
   every ounce of effort in high school was spent in making sure i’ll have that speech again for you.four years of effort but there was no TATAY in my graduation.i delivered it with that feverishe yearning of seeing you,of you being able to listen to every word i’ve wirtten, i’ve delivered the entire speech with my eyes scanning the back of the crowd, willing you to be there.but i ended the speech bursting into tears.i was everybody’s favorite,t’was my night but sadly i never felt it.i told myself i’d never do a speech again.
   i turned 18, i did not wish for a party.but my ‘rents insisted on it.Tatay said that’s what’s right for his eldest.i was in no position to argue.everybody celebrated,but myself.i was still under that illussion that you’d be the surprise gift for my first dance.
   i guess i had too much of those kind of films.my life is not a movie.

   years passed,i’ve my own child now.a lot has succumbed to the inevitable change,including my father.he’s succumbed to changing in a manner i’ve never believed possible.
   his last letter says he misses me, the strongwilled,hard-headed,stubborn me, and that i no longer call. the letter says he no longer knows what’s happening to me, whether i’m coping with being a single mom and all. he says it seems i’ve lost interest in communicating with him.
   i’ve written him lots of letters asking him to come back home.my brother needs him.my sisters miss him.my mother loves him.i’ve called during that time when it seemed i’ve hit rock bottom, and a woman’s voice answered my father’s mobile phone number.since then i’ve never called again.
   for the longest time i’ve refused to believe the rumors.for the longest time, i’ve tried my best to just believe the father that i used to know.in the end i’ve believed lies,for what i’ve refused to accept came full force and slapped me in the face.
   ’til now, nobody has ever realized how i’ve been affected.but then again, so much has happened for me to realized i really cannot blame anyone for anything, things happen.
   i’m still longing for my father.longing for him to come back for good.longing for us to have that talk.i know that after everything, he’d understand, and i would.he’d listen in a way that would make understanding easy,in a manner that would tell me it’s over, everything’s going back to what it used to be, 13 years ago.
  13 years,such a long time was lost, would he still know me?i’m know i’m not the girl i used to be, the one used to always make him proud.would he still be the same TATAY i’ve known before?he’s sick now.he would have to come home eventually.i no longer care who or how many women he’s been with just as long as he comes home.i need him.we need him, and i know he needs us.
   my phone was a fe inches away from the guy’s hand… and i gave it to him.i turned my back before anyone in the store could see the tears welled up in my eyes.
  bigay yun ni tatay.
   he was very proud when he gave it to me,the phone connects us.and now it’s gone.it’s gotta go, that i know.and again, my heart’s broken.

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will we ever sing this?

butterfly kisses

There’s two things I know for sure
She was sent here from heaven
and she’s daddy’s little girl. As I drop to my knees by her bed at night
She talks to Jesus and I close my eyes
and I thank god for all the joy in my life

Oh, but most of all
For butterfly kisses after bedtime prayer;
sticking little white flowers all up in her hair;
“Walk beside the pony, Daddy, it’s my first ride.”
“I know the cake looks funny, Daddy, but I sure tried.”
In all that I’ve done wrong I know
I must have done something right
to deserve a hug every morning
and butterfly kisses at night.

Sweet 16 today
She’s looking like her mama a little more everyday
One part woman, the other part girl.
To perfume and make-up from ribbons and curls
Trying her wings out in a great big world.

But I remember
Butterfly kisses after bedtime prayer
sticking little white flowers all up in her hair.
“You know how much I love you, Daddy,
But if you don’t mind
I’m only gonna kiss you on the cheek this time.”
With all that I’ve done wrong
I must have done something right
to deserve her love every morning
and butterfly kisses at night.

All the precious time
Like the wind, the years go by.
Precious butterfly.
Spread your wings and fly.

She’ll change her name today.
She’ll make a promise and I’ll give her away.
Standing in the bride-room just staring at her.
She asked me what I’m thinking and I said “I’m not sure
-I just feel like I’m losing my baby girl.”
She leaned over…
gave me butterfly kisses with her mama there,
Sticking little white flowers all up in her hair
“Walk my down the aisle, Daddy-it’s just about time.”
“Does my wedding gown look pretty, Daddy? Daddy, don’t cry!”

Oh, with all that I’ve done wrong I must have done something right.
To deserve your love every morning and butterfly kisses
-I couldn’t ask God for more, man this is what love is.

I know I gotta let her go,
but I’ll always remember
every hug in the morning and butterfly kisses.
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