WEDDING DAY

Friday, August 19, 2005
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   ”…i wanna be in love, i wanna wake up next to someone with a smile on his face… i wanna do those Sunday morning breakfasts and all those things…”-must love dogs

   at times when bouts of yearning assail me, i close my eyes and pray that i’ll wake up w/ someone who truly loves me, ONLY me. i’d cook him breakfast and he’ll wake up with a smile at the sight of me.
   i wanna be able to cater to him any way & every way i can.i want the feeling that i have a partner with whom i’m building a future. i want the feeling that after work i’ve to rush home ‘coz i’ve to be ready when he does, simply ‘coz he needs me to be there.
   that when i turn the key, i would not be alone in my own home, and my presence would be enough to take away all the exhaustion and anguish from his day. i want the feeling wherein dinner won’t be just a haphazard activity being done ‘coz of the human necessity to satisfy hunger, but a langurous time wherein i’d be lookin’ deep into his eyes, needless of words ‘coz communication is not tangible.
   i want the feeling of MAKING LOVE. having sex is one thing, but making love with someone who’s loving your body as well as your soul is more than different. the memory goes down to a chestbox full of treasures.
   i don’t want one-too-many. the “one” would be more than enough. one who’d accept and appreciate everything that i have, all that are in me and everything that are not.
   i know he’s out there. i might have met him already, i might have not. i refuse to think he doesn’t exist, for without him i would not feel these wants and needs, for without him, i would not hold on to this hope that someday i will find myself living my life just the way i did in my dreams.
   people cry for what they have had and lost, i had my share of that. but now i’m crying for what i would like to have, something that’s seeming to be increasingly elusive. funny how i want all these things but i’m not searching, i’m enduring the torture of waiting. people would not understand that while the yearning is so strong, the desire to save myself and all those wants and needs for him is stronger. unfair as it is, my words will come across as something that hinges on the verge of craziness,but i refuse to believe that i would not have it, for without these dreams, these thoughts, my faith, i would have nothing.

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…’tis had been written with you as my inspiration,

thank you for igniting the desire in me to write again….

…and ’tis would be sang on my wedding…

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without you
charlie wilson

Without you
Mmm…hmm…
It feels like a lifetime,
A thousand days have passed by
Since I held you close to me
If I could see that smile from my friend
I know that I could live again
I need you here with me

Heaven knows what to say
Even though for right
Now you’re so far away
I hope and I pray
Somewhere in your heart I’ll always stay

Girl, lately my sun doesn’t shine without you
Never noticed what it feels like to be without you
Feels like I took my last step
And my last breath in my life ending
Had to say just what I was feeling, girl
‘Cause my sun doesn’t shine,
Sun doesn’t shine without you

This is more for me than for you
Girl, I finally see there’s no substitute
For what we have
Do you know how much I love you

Heaven knows what to say
Even though for right now you’re so far away
Gonna tell you and show you
Do whatever I can do to get back to you

Girl, lately my sun doesn’t shine without you
Never noticed what it feels like to be without you
Feels like I took my last step
And my last breath in my life ending
Had to say just what I was feeling, girl
‘Cause my sun doesn’t shine,
Sun doesn’t shine without you

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…weddings! hahahaha! big laugh! i’ve this simple but very beautiful ceremony planned down to the last detail except for the identity of the groom…this grrom had a name before, for a very short period of time, i was able to name him, was able to picture myself spendin’ the rest of eternity with him, but as i’ve said, t’was short-lived. since then, no other name was able to rekindle the desire of settling down, maybe i’ve closed my doors, maybe i’ve left it ajar.
   didn’t dare leave it wide open simply ‘coz i can’t afford it. there are occassions to be planned, appointments to attend to, bills to be paid and a loving family to care for. sometimes, feeling and realizing the importance of responsibilities takes away the ability to carry on with one’s own needs and desires. unconsciously, one’s needs take least priority, simply ‘coz it has to. one’s got to do what one’s got to do, ‘coz if i won’t, who would?       didn’t dare to leave it wide open for fear that the next one would leave it hanging on hinges again.it’s really a bitch tryin to find mechanics or handymen nowadays. in fact life’s a bitch it’s hard to find time to pay attention to one’s hopeless romantic side. there’s always a lot of things pending, waiting for one’s attention that one tends to see her life pass by without actually living it.sometimes i don’t know if i really haven’t met anyone good enough to replace my first groom, or i just didn’t have the time to take a second look.
   so there, it might be closed, might be ajar.but who’s to blame, when nowadays, it’s easier to play than to trust anybody’s claim.it’s either one bring’s game or one gets played.so where does my wedding comes in?i’ve serious doubts that that planned wedding has a serious place in the story of my life. oh well, so be it.
   i’m beginning to believe my pseudotherapist’s ringing statement that i’m just not cut out for IT! by IT he meant everything that surrounding me, he doesn’t think i’m weak but he also doesn’t think my beliefs and faith are enough to save me.pseudotherapist already thinks i’m too wounded as it is. if pseudotherapist’s will be obeyed, i’d be forever eradicated from my online life.but as it is pseudotherapist is busy planning his own wedding for the forthmonth.come to think of it, it’s their invitation that’s driving me melancholy and yearning nowadays.i’m beginning to believe that those sappy, corny, happy moments aren’t meant for everybody, including me.
   weddings!what wedding?! big laugh!
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