ANNIVERSARY BLUES

sept 23, 2004, thursday,exactly twenty days after i’ve undergone C-section,i’ve a new guy.after a couple of months of self-deliberation,i’ve a boyfriend.i’ve succumb to the attached status.a day after i took my ‘yes’ back,and the guy and i nuninuninuninoooed for one more week before we set it official.oct 4,2004,i was his,he’s mine.

he’s the kind of guy who treats his girl like a queen.he takes all the worrying into his hands and lets his girl sit back and relax.

he’s thoughtful.he calls four to five times a day regardless of his geographical location, he finds a way.he gets worried if there’s no SMS from his girl in a couple of hours straight.my fone got drained one time,i was on travel and unable to recharge.turned the phone on, presto:20 or so missed calls,have forgotten how many messages,all from him.and a couple of more landline calls to my then roomie.

he’s sweet.we’re movie buffs and he always had a ticket to a good one every week.we both smoke and he’s taken into memory the good places where we can dine and burn our lungs out.

he’s a romantic.he took me to subic.he introduced me to his boss and other colleagues.he’s openly affectionate regardless of who’s looking.

he’s got a gifted tongue *wink*.he always know what to say and when to say it.he knows how to make a girl feel secure.moreover he knows how to make a girl feel beyond special.he knows how to make a girl believe he’s found the one he would stay with…

he’s a good lover.he’s gentle, he’s rough, he’s fast,he’s tender, he’s a taker, he’s a giver.he’s got heat that makes one shiver.

he made me feel at peace.he made me feel contented.

he’s so good a boyfriend a girlfriend would not be able to ask for anything else.and i’ve realized in the long run, him being so good is not good after all.one would drown in happiness that one would forget how it is to cry,and one would forget how to accept the things that are not so good in one’s life.

after a couple of too-perfect-i-should’ve-known-it-won’t-last months, it’s over.

his SMS: ayoko na.let’s stop.
his reason:he could not stand the guilt anymore.(sounds lame huh?)
my initial reaction:numbness, confusion and disbelief.
my delayed reaction:hysterics and total breakdown.

his case.i was too needy, my world was already focused on him and he felt guilty that he could not give it all.he could no longer take the guilt that he feels whenever he’s not around.he wanted to be at my beck and call but he no longer can.his summary, i have to find someone better (much more lame huh?lemme finish).

my case.with everything he’s done and he’s shown me, i thought it was ok for me to be needy.i was not even aware i was being one until he said it.he made me feel like a princess and i thought i really was.i pictured myself as someone rescued from the things of my recent past,unaware that my so called knight would also be another-used-to-be.as lame as it sounds that he broke it off ‘coz he could no longer take the guilt, it’s TRUE.i’ve been too dependent,i’ve been too happy with him i no longer knew how i’d be happy without him,and that,i’ve learned…was very wrong.my summary, too much, too soon.and yes, i no longer deserve him, and the feelings he had for me were no longer there.

him 2wks after we broke up:he’s got a new girl.someone who’s got everything that he would not see in me.someone who could then afford to be independent of him.someone who’d've comforted him at the instant i was out of the picture.someone who could afford to be perfect in the very same manner that i can never be.my complete opposite.someone who could give the happiness that i cannot.

me 2wks after we broke up:i had no one.i had my friends, friends who tried their best to cheer me up and make me forget.though i was too busy drowning in my sorrows that i did not pay attention to anyone who’ve tried to help me swim.the disbelief grew as well as the inability to accept.i was crying myself to sleep every night, soaking my liver in alcohol every chance i got, excusing myself from office from time to time.i kept pounding myself with questions as to how such would be possible? how someone can hurt another and seemingly not care at all? how someone can love another deeply and how those feelings can change in just a snap?one wrong move, and it was all gone. needless to say, i was depressed.

i was diagnosed with post-natal depression.therapy was prescribed but i declined.i knew what triggered it and i knew that professional help would not do.

what i needed then was time.

i went out with friends.i focused myself on work. i did everthing that would make people think i’ve moved on, that would make myself think i’m ok.but no matter how successful one is in making others believe that he’s alright, it’s one’s self that would betray him,and i haven’t denied myself of that fact. i know that i still haven’t fully recovered.

only a year has passed but it feels like i’ve aged a couple more.aaahhh, the lessons.

there is nothing to be rushed.if things are meant to be, they would fall into place in time.i was in such a hurry to be ‘rescued’.i did not even ask myself if i was ready when i plunged in into another relationship. i did not even know what i want or what i need,what i could do or what i could not.

there is more to a relationship than the momentary spark.the flame would always be burning in the beginning, but it would take huge efforts from both parties to keep the fire aflame for a long time.

we can only do, and feel so much.if the feeling is gone, there’s no sense pushing it. there would always be instances when we would feel like we’re ready for anything but we’re not.and those things are the things that we should expect.

there would always be times when the world would fall on us but in reality, life goes on.we might be crippled for some time but everything else proceeds to run, and for that we cannot stop.

him a year after:he’s got a new girl.another girl who’s my opposite as well.is he happy?i hope so.

me after a year:i’m still single, but unavailable.i want to work on loving myself first and being happy on my own.before i dive again headfirst into the relationship pool,i wanna make sure i’d be a master diver.the wounds are still there,not yet completely healed, i can feel them tingling every now and then.but i am no longer the bleeding one.gimme a couple o’ years or so and i’d be as good as new… (i hope *wink* )am i happy? i’m not sure right now but i WILL be…

we after a year:we’re good friends now.we’ve managed to bury the hatchet, have some fun like we used to and found a way to accept things as they are.i wouldn’t be hypocrite enough not to say that he still makes me *sigh*. he still have my heart and i still see the future in his eyes, but that’s all there is to it. i do not know why i feel that way, i’ve ceased to let the neverending search for answers monopolize my life.what i know is that everything has its own reason and in time i’ll know all those reasons…in time i will understand.

i know i am talking in cliches but this thing called anniversary has gotten me nostalgic and sentimental and philosophical and so many other things that i felt the safest way to let all those feelings out are through words,so as not to be too personal what better way than to use cliches?

for in everything that i’ve said in this entry,there’s been one thing that i’ve managed to avoid, hoping i can keep that one little detail a secret. but what secret can one keep when one’s self is nagging? of all the lessons that i’m trying to keep in mind and the answers that i’m trying to find, one thing remains that makes everything complicated. suffice to say, i’d conclude with that, secrets be damned.

love is a neverending program, the lessons countless and each test more difficult than the last.each and every one has gone through the school of love but i doubt if anyone can ever really say that he’s gotten his diploma, dahil sa totoo lang, when love’s concerned…
WE JUST NEVER LEARN.

 
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happy anniversary…
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“Say It”

You know that I want you babe
You know that I need you
You know that I love you
Just say it
Am I giving enough?
Is it all that should be?
When water gets rough
Will you still swim with me?
So afraid to come close
And maybe too slow
And maybe too much
For you to consume

[Chorus:]
And I wanna know if I
Can live inside your world
And I wanna know if I
Could give it to you girl
You know that I want you say it
You know that I need you say it
You know that I love you say it
Our love just goes on and on and on
You know that I want you say it
You know that I need you say it
You know that I love you say it
My love just goes on and on and on

I gave you all that you need
There’s no better place you can be
And I know that in time
You will believe in me
So please hold out your hand
And lets exchange this golden band
‘Cause I want you in my life
I want you to be my wife

[Repeat chorus]

My girl so special
I want to give it all to you
Loving you on and on
My girl so special
I want to give it all to you
Loving you on and on

[Repeat chorus]