SO MANY QUESTIONS

it feels like my tear ducts have totally dried up from yesterday.though i still feel like weeping my heart out i can no longer do it…i’m crying but no tears are coming out of my already stinging eyes…

maybe it’s because the other day my teammates as well as my supervisor were starting to throw me funny looks, clearly curious as to why im bursting into tears in my station every now and then. several has asked me why the seriously puffy eyes and i just answered with what i hope to be a convincing smile and shrug.there’s really nothing to say.well,i can’t exactly tell them that once again, i’m a casualty of my own stupidity.one teammate blurted out, ‘kaya mo yan’ and i just looked away.t’was all i could do to keep the emotions deep within.

maybe it’s because this time i wanna do it differently.i don’t wanna jeopardized any other aspect of my life just because my good old friend named Depression has decided to visit me again for an indefinite period of time…to keep us both company, he’s brought along other friends namely Pain and Confusion. together, they’ve decided to trot along wherever i go, for how long they’d be staying this time i do not know.i don’t even know if i’m better off alone.

my heart still physically throbs with pain, my throat constricted as ever.my feet do not know where to go next and my mind cannot think straight.i’m weak with everything that’s happened recently and once again i find myself in this deep labyrinth of questions with no answers. but i am whole, maybe because i am friggin’ trying to be. so much depends on me, and it would be selfish to think only of my own misery.my off’s around the corner once again and when i go home i should be the picture of a truly happy lady, unrufled by any conflicts, unperturbed and unfamiliar to being hurt.i should be the strong mommy for my angel and an even stronger fortress for family.i’m all they have.just that sometimes i can’t help thinking and asking… “what do I have?”…but even asking that is being selfish…

maybe i can just write?if for nothing else than to lessen the drama that is my life?

when?when did i ever think that i can go through this again?when will i ever live the lessons from the past, and will living those lessons guarantee me happiness?happiness was the past few months, and i’m beginning to feel like happiness has got it’s own expiration date.when will i ever learn?

where?where has everything began?and where will it ever end?they say there’s always the rainbow after the rain, but i’ve been caught in one too many downpours and i’ve only caught very faint glimpse of the rainbow’s spectrum. they say at the end of the rainbow’s a pot of gold, but in mine all i’ve found are leprechauns, nagging, grinning, mocking my lack of ability to smile.

how?how is it possible that one gets hurt over and over…how is it possible that days of gloom quickly overtakes days of sunshine?how is it possible that deep within, though it’s not the first time still feels so strange…painfully strange…how is it possible that you’ve given it your best but it still doesn’t entitle you to being happy in the end…how does one instantly set aside something that’s been there in a while in favor of something that’s fascinatingly new?how can it be that everywhere around me everybody’s smiling, and not one soul could understand what’s going on…that all i want even for just a second, is a break from all these things that are unfair…a refuge from all those demons that are haunting me…how is it that i could always be there for someone wherever, whenever ? but i myself (as shugabu has put it)…there’s no hero in my sky…

why?why do i have to go through all these…been a while since i’ve had happiness for a lasting period of time…no matter how i try to hold on to those days, they almost always deliberately slip away…why do i have to love for more than a while…why can’t i just divert my attentions and emotions in a snap like others can…why can’t i go gallivanting around the world and enjoy what i can, while i can?why are my feelings so prodding?why do things never go right, don’t i have the right to a forever’s smile?why is it that i mess up anything that’s within my grasp?i can’t make anything right, try as i might…and why…oh why..tears, as much as ducts are dry, tears never left my eyes…