CAGE DANCE

some 730 days and 20 pounds ago, i used to be a semi-dance floor queen.i had the energy to dance from dusk ’til the wee hours of the morning, without a care for any body part that’s showing or anyone who’s looking. i used to be someone who lets loose gyrating and lap dancing to whatever music’s playing…now where did that girl go?

seeing the cages and the ledge last friday aroused in me that desire to let loose.i dubbed myself a “semi” because i haven’t braved either of those two dancing platforms ever.i knew before that i could, and since i wanted to do it i should but i just didn’t know when i would!hehe!

chicken!that’s what i am.i could’ve conquered that long overdue fantasy of mine last weekend but the usual cold feet doused the heat.suddenly, i was aware of everybody’s presence, and conscious of what everyone’s going to say.what a coward…

i’ve passed up the opportunity to feel that freedom, that different kind of high.and i’ve realized, i’ve changed so much that i’m having difficulties recognizing myself.there’s so much i’m keeping inside, there’s so much i’m preventing myself from doing, for reasons i thought would be worth it.i’ve lost myself in the process of trying to be better without realizing i’m good enough as it is.i became immersed in so much inhibitions i almost reached a point where i no longer know what i could or could not do…well, almost. wanting to become proper has eaten up all my guts and digested my daring self.good thing i’ve realized before that part of myself was flushed down the drain.

it may take another 730 days and shedding of 20 pounds, but i’d like to bring that girl back,albeit a little more mature.i’m about to cross the line between being me and being someone i am not and i’m turning around now, maybe still a little cautious, but heck i’d take myself back.

i’d step on that ledge, i’d conquer that cage…i’ll embrace that different kind of high…in time…just give me time.