WHY I STILL SMILE

count your blessings they say…lemme try it my way…

i have my baby, who keeps me going each waking hour…i have a mom, who keeps me standing when i fall…i have friends, who keep up with my idiosyncracies… i have those people who are for keeps

i have a job that i suitably like…that gives me all the perks that i deserve… though it entails weird hours of work…it keeps me focused, keeps my drive…

and after all that’s happened to me, i’m still up and alive, living my life… albeit all the pains, tears and fears… i was able to match them with some little strength , determination and faith…

i’m so full of love…
i love Angela, i love Inay…
i love my friends…
and i love him still…
though i can’t make him love me…
that’s just as well…
i’ve gotten used to crying…
but every once in a while i smile…
and i hope it won’t take long…
’til i get used to smiling again…

ahhhhhhhh… sentiments of the hopefuls….

BITIN

10.18.05. now i know how it feels to have the proverbial ‘blue balls’.
but since i’m a female, the pain was not physical.
it is indeed painful, and one cannot complain.one can just wait until the pain subsides.

it was like being a volcano gearing up for multiple eruption, only to stop after the first one ‘coz nature would no longer allow. when it would have the second, third, so on and so forth eruption just so it could complete the multiple, the volcano does not know.

it was being in the heat of the moment, when you’re soooooo into something that you’ve been longing for, there within your grasp and taken away after you’ve taken just a glimpse of what it looks like.it’s like having no control of what would happen next.it’s powerful, it’s weakening that one cannot find enough strength to complain nor place for anger nor recognition for the unfairness of the whole scenario.

funny, guys feel the stinging sensation down there, while for me, it’s up here, inside my chest, throbbing to be satiated.

i’ve never thought of myself as insatiable but that moment, every fiber of my body was screaming that i was. having my very own ‘blue balls’ was(i felt like a cert FB),i felt so exposed, unprotected,unsafe, uncared for…

’twas like being awakened with splashing cold water on your face, more so like being slapped in the face with the truth…repetetively…

kaya pala sabi nila, magloko ka na sa lasing, wag lang sa bitin!

BAHAY NI LOLA

going home last weekend was exactly what i needed.eversince i’ve been a single mom, i’ve somehow detached myself from relatives knowing fully well that i’ve dissapointed them to an unimaginable degree.i was the family’s favorite,of whom everest-high expectations were set.lest, i can’t blame them for the akwardness, what happened to me has been taken as a family misfortune and i’ve been beating my brains out to prove them wrong, that my life would still go on.for the past months, they’ve been distant, til last sunday.

oct.16,2005, birthday ni lola.
celebration with the family, sa bahay ni lola.

as usual whenever the Perezes gather, feast is sumptuous.my uncles and aunts are fabulous cooks and watching them prepare the food was something i’ve really missed.my cousins, all twenty+ (i’ve lost count really) of them, were all there. i could hardly believe it when i heard their playful laughter or when i found myself jamming once again, with them and their guitars.while keeping an eye on my child, it was almost surreal, i guess i never thought things would go back to normal.

of course, there are still those akward moments like when lolo got shocked when i was there and upon seeing me,he just hugged me tightly.their neverending storytelling to visitors of how they have this apo who’s been a top student and a UP grad, who’s working in manila, then dropping to hushed tones when they speak of my being a single mom.i guess i can’t rush everything, but there’s still lot of time, and if it’s just the beginning of the process wherein everything would fall into place with my family, i can’t wait to see what’s next.

and if the way my uncles and aunties cajoled me into giving them sample,make that samples, of my spills for my call center stint is any indication, i can say they’re starting to be proud of me again.the looks and smiles they’re giving all throughout that day really made my day.finally, they’re starting to see i’m not giving up, they’re beginning to realize, as young as i am, i can make it on my own, i can take care of my child and of my family, who’s depending so much on me.just that, i needed a start.i’d be taking it one step at a time.it seems a long way but i’d get there, dahil dun sa bahay ni lola, i’ve realized proving them wrong would also be my way of making them happy.

NUMB

“I think sometimes you love someone so much, you have to be numb to it… because if you actually felt how much you loved them, it would kill you.” -riding in cars with boys

i’ve first seen this film on HBO when i was four months on the way but it’s only after seeing it again yesterday that i’ve fully understood…and felt what that line meant…

right now, for the sake of everyone i love…
(i need and)i just want to be numb…

SAGOT KAY KAREEM

bes,thank you for keeping me company last night…
next time, yayain m uli ako ha…
eto sagot ko…

i think God can explain
splender

There’s a lot of things I understand
And there’s a lot of things that
I don’t want to know
But you’re the only face I recognize
It’s so damn sweet of you
to look me in the eyes

It’s alright, I’m O.K.
I think God can explain
I believe I’m the same
I get caried away

It’s alright, I’m O.K.
I think God can explain
I’m relieved I’m relaxed
I’ll get over it yet

The sent of vasoline
in the summertime
The feel of an icecube
Melting overtime
The world seems bigger
Than both of us
Yet it seems so small
when I begin to cry

It’s alright I’m O.K.
I think God can explain
I believe I’m the same
I get carried away

It’s alright I’m O.K.
I think God can explain
I’m relieved I’m relaxed
I’ll get over it yet.

I’m so much better than you guessed
I’m so much bigger than you guessed
I’m so much brighter than you guessed

I’ts alright I’m O.K.
I think God can explain
I believe I’m the same
I get carried away

It’s alright I’m O.K.
I think God can explain
I’m relieved I’m relaxed
I’ll get off of your back

I think God can explain
I think God can explain
I think God can explain