NOV 23

very early morning this date last year, i was running from a cab with a cake in my hand, off to be the very first to celebrate with the birthday boy. i was glowing then, i was able to wake up and birthday boy was able to get there amidst the rain and cancelled flights. the length of ortigas was scoured for a place that’s still up where celebration can be done. after a few rounds with the cab, we’ve resigned ourselves to Whistle Stop. we had breakfast and snuggled to each other like lovebirds who have not seen each other for at least a year, when actually it’s only been a few days. nearing 5am, he asked me to take a leave from work and spend the day with him. though tempted, i declined, explaining i’m still on training and he’s gotta spend some time with his family, that i’m sure his mom would be happy he’s able to go home on his day.we parted with wide smiles on our faces and contentment in our hearts.

that was last year. nov 23rd came rolling by again and i still can remember the details of how it was last year, as if it was just yesterday. just that this year, we’re not together. he might have celebrated with another.i don’t even know if he made it home and were able to put a smile on his mother’s face.just that this year Whistle Stop’s closed down and seemingly the memories of that day last year went with it. there’s no cake. i was tempted to buy one but it would look stupid blowing the candle without the celebrant. the ribboned box on my bed was nagging at me, knowing well that the box is not supposed to be there, but try as i might i could not sum up the courage to give it. maybe i’ll just send it one of these days…i was not even able to greet him. a month ago, i was planning to be the very first to greet him, 12am, on the dot. that was only a few weeks ago but last wednesday greeting him seemed like the most impossible thing to do.

just like last year, people from the boards thought ’twas also my birthday and greetings came my way. i just smiled remembering the information mixed up last year and replied to their messages, correcting the misinformation but thanking them, informing them of who the real celebrant is and asking them to greet him. i’ve asked others to do what i could not. yeah, am a coward…

i was afraid whatever i’d be doing would be seen in the wrong light once more and i’d be deemed as the enemy…again. i was afraid he’d be throwing more words across my way that i would not know how to deal with.

i treated the day like an ordinary one though in the back of my mind i knew it was the day of a special man who used to be mine. i pushed the thought of who he might be celebrating it with at the very back of my mind, i didn’t wanna cry on his day. i kept myself busy, a kindly friend has stuck with me thru the better part of the day *thanks to you btw* and didn’t leave ’til we were both too sleepy to talk or even smoke.

i told myself i was almost there, the day’s about to end and he’d be happy that i didn’t bother him the entire nov23rd. i thought the worst is almost over, just a little more to go… his friend priest messaged me, asking how me and my baby are doing,informing me he’s in manila for the weekend. i just couldn’t resist telling him who’s birthday nov23rd is. he replied asking me to tell birthday boy he’s saying a special prayer for him. i immediately changed the topic of our conversation, evasively telling him i’d tell birthday boy when we see each other. yeah, i’m full of crap…

had i been able to make myself believe that it would make him happy had i greeted him, i would have. but he’s instilled in me some belief that me not greeting him is the way to do it. that me staying as far as possible from him, being as invisible as possible is the way to make him happy on his day.

as i was about to sleep another friend asked me out for midnight coffee. i tried assessing myself if i have the energy to go. as i was about to reply my phone load ran out. guess ’twas you call divine intervention. ‘coz at the back of my mind, i knew i didn’t wanna go out on his day with anyone else but…him.

i lie in bed and closed my eyes, with his gift in my hands, praying that i’d be lulled to sleep. that when i wake up the day would be over, for i no longer could deny the pain of not being able to say ‘happy birthday’, of not being able to see him even for a while on that day, of not being able to hand the gift that i’ve prepared for him anyway, of instilling in my mind that there’s nothing i should do but stay away…

at last, i woke up, checked the phone…his phone… it’s dark, but it’s already nov24th. it’s over, i made it. i’ve done what i’ve felt he wanted me to do on his day.

and realizing just that, i’ve allowed myself to cry….

HAPPY BIRTHDAY BOO!
…no words can ever convey what i feel
and it’s a shame everything’s so real…
…i know where i’m not allowed to be
and i know what i’m not allowed to speak…
…i’ve wishes for you that i’d better keep
i can always send them in prayers in a beat…
but you’ll know as long as there’s music playing…
i’ll have my heart beating… it may not be in rhythm
with yours…but you’ll know who it’s singing for…
’til the melody fades…