of dede’s and meme’s

There are times you thought you knew everything there is to know about a person and about yourself. Until something happens that makes you think otherwise. In my case, it’s having a second child. With a situation as complicated as ours, we have never been on the running for the most outstanding parents’ title. We were immature, confused and childish. Fickle at most times, we had much difficulty making decisions. We’re not awfully young. Some people would even say we’re at the right age starting a family. But it takes more than age, takes more than guts in taking up responsibility. It takes prudence, it takes courage. Best not to go about it alone, from experience, it is possible but most definitely one of the hardest things to do. 

A little more than 3 years ago, I have deemed the father of my child as the worst father a child could have. It’s because of some of the things he’s done and more because of the things he has not. So I chose to stay away. Soon after that, I also thought I am the worst mother my child could have, so I horribly chose to stay away.

The times the 3 of us spent together could be quickly counted. Though those times were admittedly magical, we were just too scared to take it further. Some people would say selfish is more like it. And maybe that’s true. We might have been too scared and selfish to let go of our old carefree lives that we deliberately ignore things that should have been done a long time ago. Might be the same reason we were given a wake up call.

All hopes were almost lost in our so called relationship until another angel came. I came across a line that says ‘A baby is God’s sign that life goes on’. And so it went. Though it didn’t seem like it, we have decided to face the reality head on. We both knew this time there’s no turning back, for the minute we got together with our children, we knew in our hearts we’re hooked for life.

Waiting for time when the second angel is due, everything was done to make it up to our first born. I saw how he is as a father to a daughter. My child instantly became the proverbial daddy’s girl. I could not be more thankful.

And the newborn I now hold in my hands is needless to say, the apple of our eyes. From his cries for milk or diaper change to his small smiles and even his little giggles while sleeping, he is adored.

I would be lying to say it’s all been a bed of roses. Until now, neither of us ever had a long decent sleep. There are rings under our eyes but at the sight of our children we couldn’t care less. As humans, tempers flare once in a while but it passes. Nothing is ever soothing than an angel calling out "Mommy" or "Daddy". Each day is a challenge, a challenge to do the best we can, a challenge to bring out the best in each other, a challenge to give the best to our children, a challenge to make it thru the day. And all throughout, he’s been constant, unfailingly present and even -and he is not like this at all- willing to talk things out. I guess between feeding bottles and drapolene creams, he’s grown. I’ve also been listening more, bting down my retorts more, am able to keep quiet for a change and just obey, guess I have grown as well.

A little more than 3 years ago, I have deemed the father of my child as the worst father a child could have. It’s because of some of the things he’s done and more because of the things he has not. So I chose to stay away. Soon after that, I also thought I am the worst mother my child could have, so I horribly chose to stay away.

Now the father of my child is still not the best father and neither am I the best mom. But we’re all our children have and we are intent on doing our best. And really, it’s the best thing any parent can do. At the end of the day, if your child feels he is loved and complete, then you’re fulfilled.

sweeter the second time around

‘They’re gonna cut me up again…’ -was one of the most prominent thoughts I’ve had the minute we learned I’m pregnant. First time I gave birth, I was in actual (read:30seconds to a minute interval) labor for 16 hours. I was determined to give birth via normal delivery, unfortunately, my body was not. Water bag broke, discharge was of a greenish tinge and dilation was still 1 cm. We were told we (me and our first child) were at the risk of infection and complications of fetal distress. I was given a shot of antibac and immediately rushed to the OR for an emergency C-section. By that time my body was almost throbbing from labor pains and my entire vertebra and pelvis feelt like they are getting rearranged literally. I welcomed the anaesthetic shot. Bliss followed after that. I fell asleep and next thing I knew, it was over.

That’s how I knew I couldn’t do normal delivery. My new O.B. just suggested we try spontaneous delivery this time since it’s already been three years and she was surprised i instantly started crying. I was embarrased by the unintentional show of emotions, I told her my story and stated I simply could not risk it again. And so, the procedure was set on our selected date.

~FEB 5th 2k8, D-DAY~  

As usual, it took some time before my guy was finally able to get me out of bed, both because I was still too sleepy and because I was scared. We were due at the hospital at 7am. Finally got up at half past six, had some breakfast, took a bath, grabbed our bags (packed days before) and went straight to my OB’s office as per instructions. Admission papers were settled first then we were brought to the OB room where I was to wait for the nurses to prep me. There were only 2 other patients in the room, both sleeping and it was something we were thankful for, we had at least some sort of privacy. Perhaps my guy sensed the fear mounting inside me that we just lay there on the bed with him squeezing my hand every now and then.The nurses started prepping me up around 9am. It took a while before the IV was inserted, my veins were hardly visible under my swollen skin and my guy had to ask me to just look at him while the nurses were making trials. After 3tries, they were successful and I was brought down to the OR,in a wheelchair donned in nothing but a hospital gown.We didn’t know we wouldn’t have any more chance to talk, all my guy could do was do a semi-shout "babe, I’ll be here waiting" right outside the OR door. All I could do was nod. He knew I was scared and by the look in his eyes, I knew he also was.

The doctors found out I ate breakfast that morning so we had to reschedule an hour later to avoid me vomitting. Needless to say, my OB scolded me for eating. But even with the wait and all, it was over before I knew it. I was awake, but thanks to my anaesthesiologist, I didn’t feel a thing. I laid there for a bit listening to the people’s chatter around me and only got excited hearing my newborn’s cry and them gushing over how handsome he is. As my OB’s narrative went " wow, ang pogi. yung ate nito ang pretty din, very smart pa. pogi din kasi yung tatay, payat lang…" I was that wide awake to remember, they had me kiss the baby, then I had fits of coughing then I dozed off. When I opened my eyes, I was in the recovery room, with a set of nurse coming and going to check my vitals. A few hours after, I was brought back to my room  to find out my entire family was there waiting. Had I not been feeling so overwhelmingly heavy, I would’ve hugged them all. It was all I could do to show them how much I appreciated them being there. And my guy, he excitedly told me how they’ve been fawning over our son back in NICU, showed me the pictures as proof that even the nurses posed to have their pics taken with our baby. Yes, I am a proud mom, for the second time.

~21 days later~
It’s been 21 days since our son came into our lives. Since then it’s been a blur of sleepless nights, stemmed tempers, diaper changes and feeding bottles. It’s also been a blur of laughing, cooing, dreaming and falling in love all over again. I was unable to take care of our first born first hand and it made me realize how much I’ve missed. It made me more determined to do my best this time in taking care of our son and making it up to our daughter. Granted, as I observe my partner, I know I still need lots of practice in the Mommy department. I am grateful that he’s proving to be a wonderful daddy and I’ll do everything to be that wonderful too. I am still taking much rest as possible to fully recover from the operation though am not as delicate as before. Am proud to say I can now carry my newborn in my arms without being so scared I’d drop him and I could sing endless lullabies till he fall asleep. I can now play with my daughter and tell her endlessly how much I love her. I am not the bedridden-just-gave-birth mom as I had been 3 years ago. ANd everyday I pray to thank Him for giving me the chance to enjoy this as much.

21 years from now, our son will be a full grown man. I will have him read this entry to show him how much he’s changed our lives, how much he’s changed me. He’s a blessing that I couldn’t even begin to describe. And when I look at him, I couldn’t help but think how lucky I am, to be granted two angels, who’d be with me, for the rest of my life. And now I can really say, some things are really sweeter the second time around.

Mastercard Commercial-"C-Section"

Nine months’ worth of Pre-Natal Check-ups : Php 4,900.00
Vitamins to counteract anemic pregnancy : Php 2,970.00
My Doctor’s Professional Fee: Php 26,000.00
Digital Camera : Php 10,000.00

This awe-inspiring photo taken during my CS operation…

BABE, the shopping genius

            Owing to the fact that we are going to need much more space than a studio could offer, at the same time a sense of normalcy as far as living spaces are concerned, a decision was finally made to change locations. We’ve finally let go of the convenience of our just-a-stone’s-throw-away-from-the office-studio apartment in favor of a one-bus-ride-away-2bedroom one. However, it was not the distance that bothered me. The place was situated amidst it all, that I only have to take a few steps to and from the bus, convenience as far as travel was concerned was really no issue. It was making the space we chose, fit to live in , in the most affordable way possible, that worried me.

          But the woes left me as soon as I saw the shopping genius that is the man of the house. Yes, he told me stories of how, as a boy, he used to moonlight his afterschool hours in the town’s public market,  playing the role of the little "sales" assistant. He’s a whiz at numbers so I was not surprised he’s played little accountant to doting vendors, and I also didn’t doubt he’s charmed enough customers to keep coming back, he’s gifted in that sense (okay, I sooooo love this guy, I find many adorable things about him & this is my blog… capisce!). I guess I just saw him as an apprentice seller I have never imagined him as the haggling consumer. Plus in most of our shopping trips, I did the selecting, choosing and deciding, but of course most of those are for clothes, accessories and stuff men usually don’t spend time on. Most of our past shopping trips, he just patiently gave his opinions of this and that and helped carry the bags.

          This time around, he asked me to list down what’s needed and what I wanted in the house. Not only did he help me edit the list, he also made really good suggestions and reasonable alternatives. And it was at the stores, where he was able to make the best of deals. A couple of times I saw a vendor just shaking or scratching his head before finally giving in to my guy’s whim. According to this shopping guru, the price that a vendor would give you would match your apparent eagerness in getting a particular item. As I was an eager beaver, he had me whispering to him my options and he did the rest. Still according to him, the initial price a vendor would give you is usually pegged at the item’s original cost x 175 to 200%. Before asking for the price, give yourself (or at least act like you did) several options, particularly on more expensive items. Ask prices of different models of the same item. Then ask for the last price on the two that you like most. The last price given by a vendor is more often than not, twice the original cost of the item, so no need to be scared haggling a bit more, until you get what you wanted. Good stuff eh?! An old lady vendor even told me "Magaling tong mister mo, marunong mamili…" And I just sighed, the proud and effortless shopping partner. From the furniture sets to the appliances to the smallest of knick knacks that would make our place comfortable, we were able to complete the things we’ve listed-plus a bit more- in what I would like to think as budget and time record. Everything was to our satisfaction. If my baby was a professional shopping assistant, I would pay a lot to keep him as my own. Good thing he’s not, wouldn’t have to pay. And yeah, I’ve made another list. This one of the shopping lessons I have learned from him, in case he tries to quiz me on it or something, wahaha!

bouncin’

            Say I am a negligent blogger, so sue me. Guess I gotta stop promising myself I’d procastinate no more in anything, I better just do it. Not that writing has lost its lure, I don’t think it ever will. It is the time in my hands that slips by so fast, I’ve forgotten all the words before I even get the chance to write them.

              So much for defending myself, how come I am here now. Voila, I have time! Time is tickling away so preciously before another very special thing take place (and I will definitely write about that). As usual, in the months of being away, a lot has happened. Most of which I will try to condense into prose from this day forward. I simply can’t hold them in any longer and I don’t even know how I feel about each of these things. It’s a plethora of emotions and convictions, swarming in my almost decisions, laced by the ever present fear, hunted by unwanted doubts and encouraged by the unwavering hope.

           Time and again, I am thankful of being able to let it all out. One by one, I’d be able to (hopefully) sort things out, weed out those that cloud judgement and retain things that are true. I am grateful that finally I have time (albeit, very little) to write about the rollercoaster that is my life, of its recent rounds and analyze if I need to take a break, make it stop, get off for a while or continue the ride, bouncin’ from time to time.