sweeter the second time around

‘They’re gonna cut me up again…’ -was one of the most prominent thoughts I’ve had the minute we learned I’m pregnant. First time I gave birth, I was in actual (read:30seconds to a minute interval) labor for 16 hours. I was determined to give birth via normal delivery, unfortunately, my body was not. Water bag broke, discharge was of a greenish tinge and dilation was still 1 cm. We were told we (me and our first child) were at the risk of infection and complications of fetal distress. I was given a shot of antibac and immediately rushed to the OR for an emergency C-section. By that time my body was almost throbbing from labor pains and my entire vertebra and pelvis feelt like they are getting rearranged literally. I welcomed the anaesthetic shot. Bliss followed after that. I fell asleep and next thing I knew, it was over.

That’s how I knew I couldn’t do normal delivery. My new O.B. just suggested we try spontaneous delivery this time since it’s already been three years and she was surprised i instantly started crying. I was embarrased by the unintentional show of emotions, I told her my story and stated I simply could not risk it again. And so, the procedure was set on our selected date.

~FEB 5th 2k8, D-DAY~  

As usual, it took some time before my guy was finally able to get me out of bed, both because I was still too sleepy and because I was scared. We were due at the hospital at 7am. Finally got up at half past six, had some breakfast, took a bath, grabbed our bags (packed days before) and went straight to my OB’s office as per instructions. Admission papers were settled first then we were brought to the OB room where I was to wait for the nurses to prep me. There were only 2 other patients in the room, both sleeping and it was something we were thankful for, we had at least some sort of privacy. Perhaps my guy sensed the fear mounting inside me that we just lay there on the bed with him squeezing my hand every now and then.The nurses started prepping me up around 9am. It took a while before the IV was inserted, my veins were hardly visible under my swollen skin and my guy had to ask me to just look at him while the nurses were making trials. After 3tries, they were successful and I was brought down to the OR,in a wheelchair donned in nothing but a hospital gown.We didn’t know we wouldn’t have any more chance to talk, all my guy could do was do a semi-shout "babe, I’ll be here waiting" right outside the OR door. All I could do was nod. He knew I was scared and by the look in his eyes, I knew he also was.

The doctors found out I ate breakfast that morning so we had to reschedule an hour later to avoid me vomitting. Needless to say, my OB scolded me for eating. But even with the wait and all, it was over before I knew it. I was awake, but thanks to my anaesthesiologist, I didn’t feel a thing. I laid there for a bit listening to the people’s chatter around me and only got excited hearing my newborn’s cry and them gushing over how handsome he is. As my OB’s narrative went " wow, ang pogi. yung ate nito ang pretty din, very smart pa. pogi din kasi yung tatay, payat lang…" I was that wide awake to remember, they had me kiss the baby, then I had fits of coughing then I dozed off. When I opened my eyes, I was in the recovery room, with a set of nurse coming and going to check my vitals. A few hours after, I was brought back to my room  to find out my entire family was there waiting. Had I not been feeling so overwhelmingly heavy, I would’ve hugged them all. It was all I could do to show them how much I appreciated them being there. And my guy, he excitedly told me how they’ve been fawning over our son back in NICU, showed me the pictures as proof that even the nurses posed to have their pics taken with our baby. Yes, I am a proud mom, for the second time.

~21 days later~
It’s been 21 days since our son came into our lives. Since then it’s been a blur of sleepless nights, stemmed tempers, diaper changes and feeding bottles. It’s also been a blur of laughing, cooing, dreaming and falling in love all over again. I was unable to take care of our first born first hand and it made me realize how much I’ve missed. It made me more determined to do my best this time in taking care of our son and making it up to our daughter. Granted, as I observe my partner, I know I still need lots of practice in the Mommy department. I am grateful that he’s proving to be a wonderful daddy and I’ll do everything to be that wonderful too. I am still taking much rest as possible to fully recover from the operation though am not as delicate as before. Am proud to say I can now carry my newborn in my arms without being so scared I’d drop him and I could sing endless lullabies till he fall asleep. I can now play with my daughter and tell her endlessly how much I love her. I am not the bedridden-just-gave-birth mom as I had been 3 years ago. ANd everyday I pray to thank Him for giving me the chance to enjoy this as much.

21 years from now, our son will be a full grown man. I will have him read this entry to show him how much he’s changed our lives, how much he’s changed me. He’s a blessing that I couldn’t even begin to describe. And when I look at him, I couldn’t help but think how lucky I am, to be granted two angels, who’d be with me, for the rest of my life. And now I can really say, some things are really sweeter the second time around.