not a superwoman

                                                                                                                        03-10-08          

B,

              Hindi yung bata ang problema ko, ikaw. Hindi yung bata ang nakakasakit sa akin, ikaw. 

            I am torn between writing this or just letting it pass, again. But I guess nothing could be done unless I do. As much as possible I would like to keep my silence, as opposed to your pre-conceived notion that I am a nag and I have got a machine gun mouth. Each time I open my mouth and try to say what I really feel, I immediately am threatened of your long list of justifications and how you would turn the table on me, so I close my mouth again. Time and again, you would ask me what is wrong and that’s when I am aware that you are more than ready to defend yourself if I say something that is even slightly against you. You’ve never been much of the “ay sorry kasalanan ko kasi…” type of guy. Or maybe if you love the girl in question, you’d be that humble.

            I am overwhelmed of how beautiful our children are and still could not believe how lucky we are to have them. Albeit, the circumstances are not all favorable, I still feel blessed whenever I look at them. And it hurts deeply whenever you insinuate that I don’t want to take care of them. I may not be the perfect mother material, but I try to do my best, and in my book, that is the most important thing. I know that at any given time I am asked to choose between anything and this family, I would choose you and the children in a heartbeat. I know that in whatever situation, I would always stand by our children, protecting them, caring for them. I’ve had dreams of my own before, but the children are more important now. I admit I get frustrated at times when I fail to calm the baby down or put him to sleep, but not all the time that you think I do. At the very least, I don’t get frustrated too many times to warrant your barrage of criticisms.
          Yes, you’re criticisms affect me, badly. At first I thought it is okay, that it is humbling and at least I am reminded of my mistakes every now and then. Then the ‘every now and then’ turn into being a nonstop cycle. On an ordinary situation I really wouldn’t mind. I would even take it as a challenge and face it head on. But the things you say nowadays are actually not helping. You take the bait each time you can. You jump on me each time there’s an opportunity. Nothing bad ever happened here because of you. I am or the things I do are – according to you- always the catalysts causing mess. I don’t think you are even aware of your tendencies to always blame things on me. 
             My already very low self-esteem takes the blow each time, and each time, I feel myself sink deeper and deeper. I find myself as I puff those cigs thinking if there is something I could do not to get such treatment. And as I finish a stick I go back to my resolve of just letting it pass unnoticed, for fear that you would just say “hindi na nga ako magsasalita”. I am reminded of the cliché to just keep my trap shut if I can say nothing good and it drives me crazy thinking that there really is nothing good you could say about me. I even feel you just criticize me for lack of things to say. At times, aside from feeling you don’t really love me, your words make me think that somehow you hate me. And that would justify how you could treat me in a way no woman - regardless of the situation - deserves. 

I get it, you can’t tell me the mushy things I crave. You also can’t say sweet nothings to make me feel better about myself. And it is utterly difficult for you to compliment me on anything. It is almost impossible for you to appreciate me. You cannot and you do not want to. And I can do nothing about that. I just get by each day looking at the children, our children. I just hope you would be aware that as happy as I am with our kids, I am the least pleased with myself. Right now I feel like the ugliest, biggest, dumbest, unattractive, most-impossible-to-appreciate woman ever to walk on earth. I guess that’s how one feels when she knows she’s given more than her everything and nothing ever worked. I guess that’s how I feel when I am blind to things you do wrong and all I notice are the things you do just right. And you are just being the opposite. Again, I kept my mouth shut about this for fear that you would just say

“ alam mo naman ang sitwasyon di ba?”
  Hindi dahil alam ko ang sitwasyon, kaya ko ng utusan ang sarili ko na huwag masaktan.
 

And feeling this way, critiscisms thrown my way at every possible opportunity just tear me apart, harshly. I have not asked you to stop reminding me of things I need to correct, I just suggested you might want to lighten up the blow at times. “Hindi na nga ako magsasalita di ba, ano pa bang gusto mo?”, that is what you would say.
            I don’t get frustrated with the baby as much as I do with you.

I never gave up on us but I have to admit I have already given up on hoping someday you would see your own mistakes without me initiating you to do so, that someday you would see my point and learn to treat me better.
               I know I have told you before not to think of me as the mother of your child. The situation is different now and I know you better. I am taking that back. I am the mother of your children so if you could at least give me that. It’s not much, a little respect would do. Appreciation I would not even ask, it is something I would like to receive from someone who would like to give it to me. And you made me realize I should not be doing so many things just so you would appreciate me, you would if you want to. And if you don’t want to, there’s nothing I would ever do that could make you think twice about whether what you’re doing is wrong or right.
              I have been, on several occasions, brought to thinking whether I should just take all these by myself and just let you go on with your life, without us, for good. 
              Minsan iniisip ko kung mas okay pa ba na mahirapan na lang kesa masaktan. Pero alam ko pag iniwan mo na kami, napakasakit at napakahirap din.
              “Yan kasi ang iniisip mo,” “Yan kasi ang dating sayo,” “Hindi ko na problema yun kung ganyan ka mag-isip,” “Hindi ko na kasalanan yun kung yan ang dating sayo”- are among the things you say that hurt me the most. Aside from drilling it unto me that you are faultless and it’s my own doing that’s why I am hurting, those things are tantamount to saying ‘I am not saying sorry for I did you nothing wrong’ Whenever you say any of those things, I get lost. Words get flushed out of my brain and my heart beats in a way that is physically painful. It’s the endpoint. It’s the juncture that I can say nothing no more. What would I say when you’re convinced I am hurting because of my own doing? What else could I do when you absolutely believe you have done all good and unaware of anything you’ve done otherwise? When you say those things, the point of talking to you immediately gets lost. No matter what I say or do after that, you’ll just repeat or rephrase your words, but would actually mean the same.
              I don’t want to fight no more. There’s no sense fighting the person I am fighting for.
  Pagod na din ako. Hindi sa pag-aalaga ng bata o paggawa dito sa bahay.
   I am tired of keeping my composure at all times and making myself look okay when inside I am breaking, each day. I am tired of crying and nowadays no matter how I try to stem the tears and keep them in, they just keep flowing. I am tired of trying to do each of your bidding. I am tired of trying to get your approval. I am tired of getting validation, from you. I am tired of beating my head up trying to come up with things to please you just so you would find it inside you to appreciate me. I am tired of getting you to look at me, of getting you to hold me. The hurt and the pain has gone so deep it has etched it’s mark in my very being. 
  Lagi kong sinasabi noon na wala kang kailangang gawin.
  Now I’d say something different. I don’t know if you could still save me from this fall but I know you could slow down my falling into this very deep pit of emotional distress. I have said everything and if you would like to deny some or all, defend yourself or something, or say the things I fear, go ahead. Before I wrote this, I have already anticipated the worse from you.
  But now you could not say, I did not tell you. I did. I have always done. You just never listen with your heart. But I do, always have, always will.
   

And it’s during times like this that I realize that I still love you, so much and I wouldn’t be here if I don’t.