loser

do you know how it feels…
to look at pics of lovely couples smiling…
while you end up crying?
thinking that each time i try to take our picture…
you’d rather not be looking.

do you know how it feels…
to work day after day
without anything to look forward at the end of the week…
but days & evenings of anguish…
thinking of where you are and who you are with…
and dealing with the fact, that i consented,
and letting you get away with it. do you know how it feels…
to fear that one day our child would look at me
and tell me it’s all my fault
…because I am not beautiful enough
…because I am not nice enough
…because I am not good enough
…because I didn’t fight enough.

do you know how it feels…
to consent to something wrong,
just so I could fight for something right,
without any assurance of winning?

do you know how it feels…
to finally admit to myself that nothing’s left…
all self-esteem and self-respect are lost,
all that’s left is the day to day fight to survive,
and that sometimes even fleets, and leaves me empty,
near crazy.

do you know how it feels…
when I have nowhere to run,
and the only person I am supposed to turn to
wanted to very much turn his back on me…

do you know how it feels…
to realize that dying is not the worst that could happen to me…
to know that I could feel death over and over…
but would still have to live?
you’re LUCKY if you don’t…
for I Do.