HOME

each time i go home, i brace myself for i know everything back there’s volatile.and i’m just waiting for the time for it to explode. but little did i know it would happen last weekend.

yep, everything just burst out of the blue, the actions, the words i’ve been fearing for them to say were all out. and for once in my life, in my own home, i felt alone. i didn’t know how long i’ve cried. but i understand. sometimes no matter how much your family tries to help you, they could only do so much. and also, no matter how you try to do everything and give everything, you could only do so much.

everyone went out. i was left alone with my child and i think that’s for the better so we could all think. i stopped thinking. i just prayed. i shut out the echoes of all the words hurled my way. i no longer know what to do, what i knew is that if we’re to come out of all of these unscathed we should pull ourselves together.

the minute everybody got home i’m ready with all the questions and answers…all the explanations and solutions…but my mom got the first word.

sorry anak.

what was i supposed to say? all the words dissolved into tears. with two simple words, my prayer was answered.the seemingly irreparable fuss just that morning felt to be a thing of the past. yes it was just that easy. i cried and cried… relief and gratitude flooding me. no words were needed, we understood each other.and once more like we did before, we set to face the battle…i know with each other on our side…we’ll win…

i guess that’s what make the home so different. it’s the extremes of extremes. it can be both freezing and warm. it’s the one place in the world where you’d feel most loved or most alone. it’s the one place in the world that would never move. it’s a place that gives the kind of feelings nothing else can give. it’s family. and as long as i have it. i know. i maybe on my own, i maybe alone but i know, i’d always be home.

WHY I STILL SMILE

count your blessings they say…lemme try it my way…

i have my baby, who keeps me going each waking hour…i have a mom, who keeps me standing when i fall…i have friends, who keep up with my idiosyncracies… i have those people who are for keeps

i have a job that i suitably like…that gives me all the perks that i deserve… though it entails weird hours of work…it keeps me focused, keeps my drive…

and after all that’s happened to me, i’m still up and alive, living my life… albeit all the pains, tears and fears… i was able to match them with some little strength , determination and faith…

i’m so full of love…
i love Angela, i love Inay…
i love my friends…
and i love him still…
though i can’t make him love me…
that’s just as well…
i’ve gotten used to crying…
but every once in a while i smile…
and i hope it won’t take long…
’til i get used to smiling again…

ahhhhhhhh… sentiments of the hopefuls….

BAHAY NI LOLA

going home last weekend was exactly what i needed.eversince i’ve been a single mom, i’ve somehow detached myself from relatives knowing fully well that i’ve dissapointed them to an unimaginable degree.i was the family’s favorite,of whom everest-high expectations were set.lest, i can’t blame them for the akwardness, what happened to me has been taken as a family misfortune and i’ve been beating my brains out to prove them wrong, that my life would still go on.for the past months, they’ve been distant, til last sunday.

oct.16,2005, birthday ni lola.
celebration with the family, sa bahay ni lola.

as usual whenever the Perezes gather, feast is sumptuous.my uncles and aunts are fabulous cooks and watching them prepare the food was something i’ve really missed.my cousins, all twenty+ (i’ve lost count really) of them, were all there. i could hardly believe it when i heard their playful laughter or when i found myself jamming once again, with them and their guitars.while keeping an eye on my child, it was almost surreal, i guess i never thought things would go back to normal.

of course, there are still those akward moments like when lolo got shocked when i was there and upon seeing me,he just hugged me tightly.their neverending storytelling to visitors of how they have this apo who’s been a top student and a UP grad, who’s working in manila, then dropping to hushed tones when they speak of my being a single mom.i guess i can’t rush everything, but there’s still lot of time, and if it’s just the beginning of the process wherein everything would fall into place with my family, i can’t wait to see what’s next.

and if the way my uncles and aunties cajoled me into giving them sample,make that samples, of my spills for my call center stint is any indication, i can say they’re starting to be proud of me again.the looks and smiles they’re giving all throughout that day really made my day.finally, they’re starting to see i’m not giving up, they’re beginning to realize, as young as i am, i can make it on my own, i can take care of my child and of my family, who’s depending so much on me.just that, i needed a start.i’d be taking it one step at a time.it seems a long way but i’d get there, dahil dun sa bahay ni lola, i’ve realized proving them wrong would also be my way of making them happy.

A PRAYER

she’s sick again…
and i don’t wanna ask anymore questions…
just please make her well…
i’d do anything…
i’d bring myself anywhere…
i’ll give up whatever You told me give up..
i’ll Go wherever You would want me to go…
just please make her well…

i’m scared…
scared beyond my wits…
each time she gets sick…
i get cold from the tips of my hair down to my feet…
and i’m afraid i’ll be like this until she’s totally okay…
You know i’m doing this on my own…
would it be too much to ask You to just please…
please make it easy on me?
all i have now is faith…
faith in You…
faith in myself…
faith in the knowledge that no matter what,
You’d be pulling me through…

for this…i run to You…

THE HELL THAT WAS

saying the past week was difficult is an understatement.before last week, i thought i would never feel something more painful than the one i’ve felt when i gave birth.boy was i ever wrong.seeing my baby with tubes to her body caused me pain beyond what i could imagine.perhaps it’s because t’was the first time she got really sick, but the dread was unexpected.i tried convincing myself that i was just overreacting but i could not suppress the desire to make it all stop, my prayers then was for Him to let Me be sick instead.for several days, i traipsed to and from the province, to work from the hospital and back again, though it seems i’ve never noticed the distance.the past few days stretched like a month until my baby’s doctor had my baby discharged and declared that she’s well enough to go.i’ve gone through the past few days, not knowing the difference between laughing and crying, i’ve gone through the past few days surviving on very few hours of sleep though not really resting.all i had in my mind and heart then was for my baby to get well.the time we got her out of the hospital, it felt like a big load was literally lifted off my chest and i was allowed to breathe again, and once again i realized, i AM a mother.my heart swelled with happiness when i was about to leave, (when in the past few days all i’ve heard were my baby’s cries) she utterred the word “MA!”.tears fell like crazy,she’s well, she called me MA! MAMA! , i’m no longer “ate” nor “anna” to her.

i’ve been to hell and back in the past week. and right that very moment when she called me ‘MAMA’, for at least a few minutes, i couldn’t ask for more…

 
my sincerest gratitude to Richard, Dennis and Tony…you’re angels in the truest sense of the word, i don’t know how i could have done it without your help…

and to YOU up there, how can i ever thank You…for not giving up on me when i’ve almost given up on myself, just be there please Lord, just stay… i know i could not do it without You…thank you for everything…