i’ve got moves u ain’t seen

as early as now, i feel like i have exchausted half of my moves for year.
though i am optimistic thinking i have doubled my capacity as i would like to each year.
lemme see, counting off my fingers…

changed companies. i have ended my almost 3 years stint in company NP and have moved closer to home.
i’ll call it company T.after months of contemplating on whether i could do it, i was able to muster enough courage
and made the move. i could not say it was not easy. but it was good. company NP, in all fairness, tried to counter, but no price could be enough to pay for company T’s location. albeit, i still hold the same public service post of a Team Lead, there are numerous perks. i no longer have to commute a cumulative 4 hours a day to get to and from work. i only have to spend a total of 15 minutes, 20 if i am taking my time, walking to and from work. once again, i’m enjoying the comforts of being just a stone’s throw away from home. i sleep peacefully at night-yes, i’m no longer in the graveyard shift- knowing i was able to give 110% to my job without sacrificing any quality time with my family.

changed homes. with a new office comes a new house that we now proudly call home. it was such a process moving single-handedly facilitated by my caring partner, which resulted to him being sick the following week. as undomesticated as i am, my partner patiently did his part and more in making sure our new abode would be comfortable.i made it up to him by making sure he got well really soon a couple of days after. now we have new neighbors, my kids have new playmates and we have a new town to explore.

changed tactics.i don’t particularly like using the term “tactics” since it sounds so scheming but it is the most apt. i have found new courage that sprung in me my newfound confidence. eversince these moves i have faced challenges without recognizing they were challenges at all until after i’m done dealing with them and relishing the thought that i was able to do it.i now rally on headfirst, almost always. there’s a new task given to me, i study it as quickly as i can and make sure i dleiver way before the deadline. more tasks assigned to me, i thyink ‘i must be doing well then’. people doesn’t like me? could hardly give a damn. people liking me? well, who wouldn’t? i guess what i’m trying to say is inside me now is a newfound optimism that not even the most hopeless of cases could put down. no failed attempt could dampen my spirits now. and it feels good. i don’t know how and why i found this but i just know i did. when i find out, i would blog about it.

change is constant.change is good.and hell yeah i’m loving it!

at long last..

dang…has it been 3 months?
had I been that Busy? apparently, I was.not until a colleague asked me in passing “ei, you still write?” did I remember. then I was like ” oh shit, that’s why my notepad’s running out of pages. as embarrassing as it is, i have taken to pouring my thoughts on the pages of my notebook, together with my evaluation and training notes. that was how the last three months have been, filled to the brim that twas all i could do to document all the overflowing thoughts. thanks to the old school method of keeping journals, that now i have time with my good ol’ PC, i still can save those thoughts. the story, that little did i know, would lead to where i am right now.

• stress anyone? ( 08.13.08) i am now on the verge of challenging that anti-stress ad endorsing that tablet that claims to erase all signs of too much work. only thing holding me back is knowing it would not be able to win the bet and would just add to the amount of anxiety. yes. me-”the-all-work-and-no-play-is-good-for-you-girl” is officially stressed. yeah, there’s the usual fact that i have my hands full of the workload the bosses have so diligently handed. those things used to inspire me. used to keep me going. but now i find myself longing to shout for a good long break. as i’m one of those people who would be hard pressed to admitting to stress, i had to ask myself why. and voila, i realized i am also not motivated. ever since i have known how to write and read, this is the first time i have ever felt that thing. and it’s quite uhmmm, refreshing. i had to ask myself what difference it makes, feeling that thing. well, mainly, it made me see the real reason i am tired. it isn’t the amount of work, not even the pressure of meeting expectations. it is actually the fact, that when i look around me, the people who are supposed to be showing me the good example are running to the opposite direction. it’s now that i see, and this took quite a while, that my workload is such, because the one who’s supposed to be carrying on has done so, by delegating them to me.i live by “practice what you preach”, ” the leader adjusts the sails”,’ “a good leader is a good follower” and all other clichés to that effect.and i have reached a point when i can’t deny that my current superior simply doesn’t live up to that. the person i am pertaining to is good, brilliant even and she/he got my respect. though i have to say that now, i am fighting tooth and nail not to loose that.
• anxiety attacks (08.25.08) i’ve been coming home late for several weeks now. i sleep with the guilt that i am unable to spend as much quality time with the family i have worked so hard to keep. i sleep nowadays knowing that telling them i really wanted to be home as much as i can would not possibly suffice. having a 6month old and an almost 4 year old and 31 year old partner is supposed to be bliss. they are the inspiration that gets you thru the day. don’t they deserve much more of your time and energy. so why are they not getting it? are your priorities still on track. you very well know that of all things you have spent, you can never take time back.so what the hell are you doing? you convinced that at the end it would all be worth it?it’s your move, your call.
• bliss(09.10.08) “of all the things i’ve ever done, finding you would prove to be the most important one” cheesy i know. i am not even sure i got the lyrics right. but right now, this is exactly how i feel towards my partner, who has proven to be more than someone i can count on. he’s my fountain of strength, in his most unusual ways. he’s my source of confidence right when i felt i am loosing it. he’s the only thing certain when i am not sure of anything. in those rare moments of him being very sensitive, he goes all the way. and i couldn’t ask for more. really.
• i thought you’d never ask(09.11.08) i have pulled up all the courage to try out for this thing i have been eyeing since i started out a career in this industry. with all the might i could muster i announced i would be vying for it. and it prompted a heart to heart talk with my current boss. true the circumstances were quite controversial(in our own little world known as the company), and such is inevitable in an environment so small. though i have to say, the talk was all i ever hoped for and more. i would have to say, that for the record, my superior redeemed herself in my eyes. right there and then, i understood why and how things were the way they were. they just had to be. us being her subordinates need not stay where we are. we could grow. we cannot be complacent. and without her pushing us to move towards that word, we would just be idle. i am glad we had that talk. more than the understanding, it’s the lessons that should i not land the post, would make applying worth it. i thought i already had the best of bosses. i have to admit now it pays to have a boss who believes in things you don’t necessarily buy, it forces you to see the what’s on the other side.it pays to have a superior who would not allow you to stay within your comfort zone, it would make you realize what else you can do. it pays to have a boss who cuts you off midsentence every now and then, it makes you learn how to listen…more. it pays to have a boss who is not necessarily what you expected, but turns out to be exactly what you need. for the record, regardless of the outcome, i am grateful i have been under her wing. for the record, had she asked me to stay with the department during that talk, i would have said yes.
• at long last (09.15.08) TL. who would have thought that that blundering, stuttering, at-the-verge-of-tears tech support rep from 3 years back would be given such title? apparently, some people did, because those “some people” did not stop believing. apparently, my partner did, what with his proclamation that nobody else qualifies. apparently, i did, otherwise, i wouldn’t have tried out. though i would like to say, it has not been easy. i had to take each and every step to work towards this post. as obsessive compulsive as i am, i had to make sure that i have taken each measure to make sure i am right and i can do the job. i had to endure all those tests just to prove how ready i am. i just had to. cause i know i would not forgive myself for getting something i do not truly deserve. and i know i could only truly celebrate when the reward is the authentic fruit of my labor. and those of other people. yes. this is not only me. this is also those people who did not stop pushing and asking for more, because they truly believed i had so much more to give. this is those people who did not stop steering toward the right path, who did not stop talking whenever i go astray, those people who did not stop listening when i just had to bicker and vent. those people know who they are, and they would always be cherished. this is not only me. it has not been easy. and i know this time it would also not be easy. but just now, i am taking time to bask in the glory. i am taking time to thank the One up there who never stopped providing and guiding. thanks for the opportunity, thanks for the people. thanks for putting me here. i am not promising to be perfect, heck i am not promising anything, only that i wouldn’t let anybody down.

of yayas and predictions

     the past few weeks scary email has been circulating. I’m referring to that of a certain Mr. DaRoose’s (DaLuz in his local) predictions. apparently, he’s been having visions in his sleep of things to come. unfortunately, his visions are mostly about the unfortunate things that would happen in different parts of the globe. it has been claimed (the word is being used in lieu of lack of positive proof) on the email that Princess Diana’s assassination and the WTC 9-11 attack were predicted by himl. and as of recent, the earthquake in China as well. it so happened that he’s also predicted an earthquake to happen in the country. included in the email is the specific date of 07-18-2008 and the claimed demise of thousands.the scare brought about by this email, as early as now, is big time to say the least. for people like us who’s been working the evenings inside the Central Business District’s sky scrapers are foremost to have this fear. I for one, have filed a leave of absence on the said date. there’s nothing wrong in making sure I would be with my kids on that day. God knows almost nobody’s ready. I say to Him that may He not be considering this as an example of a challenged faith. I trust Him. in fact, He’s the only One I truly trust. only thing I would like is for Him to look after us, together. I know everything He does is for a reason. I pray for the serenity to understand, and the courage to face anything head on, knowing fully well, that He would never forsake us. so it was settled, I was granted the leave, and I couldn’t thank Him enough. at the very least, I would have a longer weekend with my angels.
       HR has done their research. they chanced upon Mr. DaRoose’s own blog (in local Brazilian language) and a translation of its content. together with that blog, link of other articles about his predictions were forwarded to us. if truth be told and those articles would be taken logically, the email was a hoax. if it was, I could not think of a good reason why anybody would come up with such.still, I have settled myself with the thought of four days -surely hectic- work and 3 days at home. couldn’t be happier.
       or so i thought.
       the new yaya’s we’ve hired were to say the least, a bit of a problem. one they were guaranteed by the people who got them for us, that they would be paid a monthly amount that is beyond our capacity. more to our woes, they were guaranteed they could take a month’s advance. each. another thing that caused contention was, emabarrasingly enough, food. they claimed they’ve been not fed e nough in the past week they have been here. and unfortunately, they chose to talk about this, with our neighbors(who incidentally were the ones who recommended them). and we found ourselves the topic of gossipmongers talking about how we are not paying, feeding and treating our helpers well. to my discomfort, I voiced out my indignation. nothing was true. we have been very upfront with neighbor from the start. here is what we can pay them, here is how we pay them, and here are the terms. if these people are amenable to these, okay, if not we would understand as well and let them give the would be yayas to other people. eventually the new yayas arrived. and after a few only did i learn things were not clear to them. no, actually, their understanding of our agreement was different, hence the fiasco. now amidst all the sour notes being directed towards us, we’re sending them back. nevermind that we could no longer get the initial amount we’ve put up for their fare, I just want all this to stop. we’ve got our plates full as it is. the only thing I am miserable about is us being forced to ones again leave the kids with my mom.and I have sworn it would only be a week at most. I would be bringing them back to my parents’ house tomorrow, and it’s all I could do to stop myself from crying nonstop. I have only been with my daughter half a year, and my son is only 5 months old. I couldn’t bear the thought of being far away from them. not a day, lest a week. but it’s the best choice we’ve got, while we finalize the hiring of new, and hopefully this time, way better yayas.I still haven’t had the ehart to finish packing the kids’ things. tomorrow morning I would see to it. for now, I would have to content myself watching the angels sleep. I might as well not sleep, I can’t imagine how much I would miss them. people might say I am overreacting since it would only be a week. though to me, it might as well be a year. a day without them is just not the same. granted I get to spend very few hours with them each day when I get home from work, but that’s a whole lot better than nothing. I can only tell myself, this too, shall pass. *sigh*

the month that was

often, one would find himself amused at how much could transpire in so short a time.
last June, I have just proven what people often say, “you can never tell…”
what with the gripes and smiles of the past month, I was hard put to even document them.
hence, this list, just so I would remember.

• Envy- confirmed a colleague has been living in envy. of me nonetheless. for reasons known only to herself. So miserable the degree of her jealousy that the people with whom she’s gabbed-badly- about me changed their minds and finally decided to tell. been making my office life a bit difficult as well that my relief in confirming the real score was immense. though her motives are not quite clear, I could guess a few. age would be on the top of my list, as I am more than a few years younger and she is, well details are too incriminating. let’s just say Katie Holmes to me is Lucille Ball to her.*laughs* we’re of the same post but never had I thought it would be a source of contention.true enough, should there be an opening for the next big step, we’d be the strong contenders, but with the way she’s been swiping asses left and right, she’s got that advantage. all i have is, modesty aside, my brains and poise. *wink* I have to admit I had been wincing at every self-righteous proclamation of accomplishments she tends to broadcast each time there’s a chance and there’s an ear who’d care to listen. I have been patient enough at the veiled barbs thrown my way thinking she might be close to menopausal stage. the two-faced telling of stories to the boss was beyond what I could endure but even that I was able to get past, resorting to tearful venting to real friends afterwards. but hearing her claims how I am a fave so I am not someone to befriend, that I am the boss’s apple of the eye so they have to be careful, is just LOW. before that, I was still able to retain a small amount of respect for her, but now all that’s left is pity. to her frustrations, I was hardly ever provoked. one, I am too busy. two, when I am not busy, my time is too precious to be spent on her. I am affected yes, as I am with every bit of lies and treachery in any way. I thought when I finally get a proof of her backstabbing I would make a move, then I realized I am smarter than that. so I’m afarid she would just have to wait until she does something so stupid I would have to finally make her see what she’s looking for. in the meantime, I have decided to be the brainy, smart ass, bubbly, and young colleague her envy is working so hard to bring down. as the boss see how poised I am despite everything, as fellow officemates realize how big of a liar she is, I would be smiling to her chagrin. I would say, round 1 to me. if she wants some more, bring it on.
• Wedding bells-no.not mine. been out of touch for quite a while now and this online social network was by far, the most effective means thru which I am updated with the latest happenings in my friends’ lives. and lo and behold, a couple of friends from college have been engaged to be married later this year, three high school friends have been wedded, one in church, one in a garden wedding, one in a civil ceremony in Italy.two of the high school recently married friends now have their kids, you do the math. and the other High school friend? well, a childhood sweetheart, the one with whom our teachers back then are betting I would end up with, I couldn’t deny that learning he’s married amused me.  and another high school friend whom I haven’t heard from for so long already gave birth. all in June. all in one month. amazing really.
• 2 front teeth - yes, my beloved son is teething. and we couldn’t be happier. we were scared to our wit’s end that he’d be colicky and sickly as other babies are during the said stage. but he’d just cry when he wants milk, or diaper change or simply wants to be cuddled. on the bed, he’s started to roll like crazy, laughing whenever he’s successful rolling on his back or trying to lie face down. he’s talking, though in the gibberish language babies employ. I have to admit now I have never heard any more entertaining and relaxing language. needless to say, we are hooked by our youngest’s antics.
• “Wala ng bibitaw”- those were his exact words in the midst of one of our most furious fights ever. so furious that I was on the verge of leaving and turning my back for good. articulation is not his best asset, nor are openess and life’s dramas his faves. so I know how much of an effort he’s summoned in order to utter those words. I didn’t take notice for I know he’s easily embarrased by his own outbursts of emotions. he’s wired that way. I know right now he has not figured out the details how we are going to go about it. but his declaration melted my anger and instantly resolved the fight. so that’s what on his mind. been praying even more, that his proclamation would be forevermore. here’s to fighting for the thing that makes life worth living.

HOME

each time i go home, i brace myself for i know everything back there’s volatile.and i’m just waiting for the time for it to explode. but little did i know it would happen last weekend.

yep, everything just burst out of the blue, the actions, the words i’ve been fearing for them to say were all out. and for once in my life, in my own home, i felt alone. i didn’t know how long i’ve cried. but i understand. sometimes no matter how much your family tries to help you, they could only do so much. and also, no matter how you try to do everything and give everything, you could only do so much.

everyone went out. i was left alone with my child and i think that’s for the better so we could all think. i stopped thinking. i just prayed. i shut out the echoes of all the words hurled my way. i no longer know what to do, what i knew is that if we’re to come out of all of these unscathed we should pull ourselves together.

the minute everybody got home i’m ready with all the questions and answers…all the explanations and solutions…but my mom got the first word.

sorry anak.

what was i supposed to say? all the words dissolved into tears. with two simple words, my prayer was answered.the seemingly irreparable fuss just that morning felt to be a thing of the past. yes it was just that easy. i cried and cried… relief and gratitude flooding me. no words were needed, we understood each other.and once more like we did before, we set to face the battle…i know with each other on our side…we’ll win…

i guess that’s what make the home so different. it’s the extremes of extremes. it can be both freezing and warm. it’s the one place in the world where you’d feel most loved or most alone. it’s the one place in the world that would never move. it’s a place that gives the kind of feelings nothing else can give. it’s family. and as long as i have it. i know. i maybe on my own, i maybe alone but i know, i’d always be home.