crippling

“It was a crippling thing, this sensation that a huge hole had been punched through my chest, excising my most vital organs and leaving ragged, unhealed gashes around the edges that continued to throb and bleed despite the passage of time. Rationally, I knew my lungs must still be intact, yet I gasped for air and my head spun like my efforts yielded me nothing. My heart must have been beating, too, but I couldn’t hear the sound of my pulse in my ears; my hands felt blue with cold. I curled inward, hugging my ribs to hold myself together. I scrambled for my numbness, my denial, but it evaded me.”

silent scream

Feels like I'm groping in the dark.
The path is somehow familiar.
I am in a place I have promised never to visit again.
You made me break my promise.
There's this undeniable lump in my throat,
and a heavy weight lodged between my heart and my head.
I am still dizzy from the windfall,
and the end of this journey is not yet visible.
I can only affrod seconds of respite,
for fate made sure rest won't be one of my options.
Like a thief in the knife, you took my life. again.
You never returned it whole, and I am now left to pick up the pieces. again.
It feels like an unending journey, through which I'm fighting my way.
Every now and then you are there, and I keep on dreaming you would come to my rescue.
But each time it's like fate made sure to mock me…a hundred and one ways.
I am tired, but no one hear my cries.
I am exhausted but no one takes notice.
I am scared but no one understand.
How could they, when they see me, they only see you…
How could I, still have you… when you never gave me you.
A heavy weight lodged between my heart and my head.
searing…beating… breaking… slowly dying…

I am shouting but no one hears…
the silent scream of my soul…
left to fade until…

it swallow me whole.

getting.real

     who am i kidding? the very title of this blog was given birth by the tumultous emotions i have felt for one man. it is so far the summation of our unconsummated relationship if ever we had any. and so it is just right to stop being hypocritical. whenever i see this journal, words pour forth and they're all about him, about it, about this. to hell with slef-righteous nosy readers who complains about reading the same thing but reads on anyway. make your own and there write about various discourses to your heart's content.

     as for me, enough with the charade, this journal will bear witness to the anguish and joy of my neurotic heart, and to that alone. all other sorts of ramblings will have to be moved to a different location, a different facet per se. for they simply do not belong under benign immolation.

you.happy.now

happy now?

you said you can't let him go because you've spent half of your life with him. and you don't how it is living without him. i should've shouted right there and then. because of the countless heartaches brought to me by the man we both love, it was like you didn't really hear what you said. it felt more like you didn't realize who you were talking to.

you were together for what… eleven years? you're with him half of your life, he was with you half of his. the very reason why he's so scared. that what he thought for the longest time is the best thing that has ever happened to him could be somewhat wrong. that's why he can't be with me.

half of your life. hell, yeah! you have not realized i gave him my life. and some more. and just like you i really don't know how i would live without him. but that's not the reason why i find it utterly difficult to let go. in fact there is no definite reason at all. i just can't. just like there's no reason why he's the one. he just is.

now, had you said that instead of giving me a litany on how i could've done what WE did, i would've give him up there and then. but no, you didn't consider him either. it's funny how he thinks i've disrespected him that day by showing up. and how he never realized why you told me what you did. happy now???