what.hurts.the.most

‘what hurts the most…
was being so close…
and having so much to say…
and watching you walk away’

                                 -what.hurts.the.most
                                   rascal.flatts

does.she.know?

you told me you’d tell her everything, that you’re just taking some time. you told me that you’ve decided and nothing can change that. no matter what. you’ve assured me that my prayers have been answered, and there’s nothing more to fear. that whatever fears may remain, we’d face them together. you’ve enthralled my senses of the possibilities of dreams finally coming true.

does she know?

after a time of being excommunicated, after months and months of making it all on my own, you sought me, you pursued me. after everything, you made me believe, you made me feel again, some deep seethed memories, that i thought until then would forever be buried. you made me live again, the love that never was, and i thought until then would never be.

does she know?

you took care of everything that came in our way, everything but. you took care of me, my family, our baby, our past, our present and more importantly, the plans for our future. you proposed your would be undying commitment, your intentions of finally binding our love with the sole lasting means on earth. you wanted me to have faith, and i did. you promised. you broke it.

does she know?

i’ve presented every possible scenario, i’ve argued every possible angle, just so we’d have some room to breathe within the confines of our realized emotions, to wake me up from the fantasy that has enveloped me since you came, but you brushed off all of those, swearing to your heart that this time it would be all for real, that this time we’d be a family, that this i would not be left alone. you said the words, you wrote them, you acted them, you lived them.with me.

does she know?

and now the fears you’ve so confidently denied for me has hit us in the face, though in a ‘deja vu’-like manner, i was the one who’s taking the blow. the only difference this time around is, i’m not being left behind because i’m on the family way. i’m just being left behind because now i stand in the way.

you sought me.you found me doing okay again, having been abe to pull myself up from wherever you’ve thrown me the last time. you found me, almost as good as new. and again, you took me. you made me happy, you said that happiness would be forever, and since forever happens only once, i believed you’re my forever.

does she know?

you kissed me tenderly as if you’ve been kissing me for the first time. you caress my skin with such tenderness it hurts. you lovingly wrapped me in your arms never to be harmed again, at peace, forever safe, or so i thought. you watched me sleeping, not wanting to close your eyes in exchange of bathing me in your stare. you said i was your moon, the face that sooths you thru the storm. you said i was your lily, the flower that saved you from drowning. you said, and my heart listened.
and took it all in.

does she know?

you’ve been wanting to fix our child’s name, wanting to marry me and live our life as a family. when i learned from her that you’ve just been wanting to make the right decision, and was not happy at all. with me.

does she know?
how much that statement,
tear apart the wounds that i’ve painstakingly tried to heal while we were apart?
does she?

you’ve easily turned my life around when you come back, and now you’re once again leaving me as easily as you’ve done before. it seemes so surreal how fate can play your life and everything one’s got riding on it. it’s not shame nor fear that’s now dragging me down, it is the knowledge that i would have to go thru that hell again. of the many times i’ve promised myself i would never be burned again, i too, broke the promise. i too, let myself down.

it is now doubly difficult, impossibly more painful. when you first left i did not know where i stand, i was ready to accept the consequences of having to love someone who didn’t feel the same for me. but having you back professing everything and promising the world, it makes it more than hard to convey all the reasons, or to comprehend anything.my heart’s short of wanting to stop beating, for it seems each time it does, i just end up hurting. that the more it beats, the more it bleeds.

she told me she’s spent almost half of her life with you, loving you so, she cannot let you go. i wnated to shout, i may not have been there half of your life, but i gave up my life for you. until that time i was not ready to admit how much i gave but the truth has a way of sneaking up on you. still, i just bit my tongue and refrained from answering with what my insides have been squirming to tell.

in my book, i should not be telling her. i knew my mistakes. and in my heart, i have paid my dues when i kept my silence when you asked me to, when i stayed away when you told me to, every minute i’ve spent on my own was payment for those dues, and i’ve paid, sweat, blood. my entire life. and i need not hearing having that traded for half of someone else’s life.

gusto kong ipagtanggol ang sarili ko, pero naisip ko, ikaw dapat ang gumawa nun di ba?
and for the nth time i chose silence.

does she know?

now that you’re once again turning your back on me, you can’t even try to look back. anc i can’t even cry hard enough. with the knowledge now of what i’d have to go through again, and knowing as well what might have been, it feels like death the second time around. would i ever be resurrected?

does she know?

how you’ve uttered the words of longing and love, they still echo inside my head. how you’ve touched me like i’ve never been touched before, you’ve touched my soul, as for a flicker of a moment you gave me yours.

does she know?

as i once again i let you go, i guess she doesn’t.

will she ever?

just like all the other questions, i do not nor i think i would ever, hold the answer.

before.i.come.undone.

The pull of  pen and push of fate account for several journals I have made, attempting to stem the flow of seemingly pathetic tears and gush of repetitive emotions. I was supposed to benefit from the rumored cathartic effect of writing. For some time I thought the rumor is true, but I forgot benefitting is a matter of choice as well. For the longest time I’ve been negligent of writing, luring myself to believe the ink of my pen has dried up, and I’ve got nothing left to give.

But here I am, not really back from the dead. Benign immolation never leads to that glorified end. The prolonged agony of uncertainty is not that much different from the medicine being worse than the malady. Hence I’ve decided, what the heck, I chose to be here and I owe it to myself to make it easy on me, impossible as it may seem. So once again I succumb to writing.

I’ve decided to once again feed my journal with the day to day idiosyncracies that I am, with the absurdly exaggerated drama that is my story , with arguments blown out of proportions, with fears that’re constantly keeping me company, with moments that are undeniably real, with love that has never been right… with life.

I’ve been keeping everything buried deep within, like Pandora’s box threatening to let all demons go. And like Pandora’s box, I’m keeping the hope intact, and maybe now I will let it all out. Though even my words are unsure, and I find it doubly difficult nowadays to be certain of anything, I would be trying.

I owe it to myself to lighten things up, or merely speak up. Though I know I’d be talking to an inanimate screen and would be lending my thoughts to the keys of my HP, it is better that bottling it all up, and then blaming everything that comes my way afterwards.

Once in my life I really believed I’ve had the most soul-wrenching part of my existence. It was late when I realize how dead wrong I was. Once I thought the most difficult time of my life was over and done, never had I thought it was only the beginning.

I’m holding on to prayers now, waiting for a miracle amidst tests of faith…
I am hanging by a thread.
Breathing. Living.

So before I come undone, I am now turning to a dear friend, and once again embracing my pen’s ink.

Heart of Sword (Before Dawn)

When I’m alone, tomorrow feels far away.
And I must go over still into the darkness of dawn.
If I try to play it straight, it will no doubt fail,
And tonight it won’t go well between us again.

You can’t see all of my hard efforts, because it’s only result
Is that it makes no sense. It really is a “tightrope”.
More effort, more damage–this is my daily life.
Taking a cynical attitude may give me some comfort…

Hiding myself, heated and irritated; living only a short time.
When I’m alone, tomorrow feels far away.
And I must go over still into the darkness of dawn.

If I let my emotions free,
My dreams will once again not go well.
I think the balance sheet of my life is imperfect.
If I add up the plusses and minuses, will it really equal zero?

I want to control all my luck
That may be used up before my life is ended.
you don’t know–you can change logic at your will.

I hurt myself because of you, over and over;
But my love didn’t go away–it kept coming back.
The toughness gained from my damage is unbelievable.
I won’t be able to sleep at all tonight either.

However many times it’s repeated,
It revives again and again–because it’s love.
You can’t blame my emotion,
Because you should know it will never fade away.

When I’m alone, tomorrow feels far away.
And even though I’m in the darkness of dawn, I have to go.
I don’t care about “bad affinity”.
Even if our love is not doing well,
Nevertheless we have deep ties.                                    -heart.of.sword.
                                 ost.rurouni.kenshin

Take the wheel

Jesus take the wheel
Take it from my hands
Cause I can’t do this all on my own
I’m letting go
So give me one more chance
To save me from this road I’m on…

                                     .Jesus take the wheel
                                     .carrie underwood