A PRAYER

she’s sick again…
and i don’t wanna ask anymore questions…
just please make her well…
i’d do anything…
i’d bring myself anywhere…
i’ll give up whatever You told me give up..
i’ll Go wherever You would want me to go…
just please make her well…

i’m scared…
scared beyond my wits…
each time she gets sick…
i get cold from the tips of my hair down to my feet…
and i’m afraid i’ll be like this until she’s totally okay…
You know i’m doing this on my own…
would it be too much to ask You to just please…
please make it easy on me?
all i have now is faith…
faith in You…
faith in myself…
faith in the knowledge that no matter what,
You’d be pulling me through…

for this…i run to You…

GUDANI’S FACE

it’s one of the downsides of working in all center,we’re barely aware of anything on the local news,except of course when people come traipsing down ayala to conduct their rallies.thanks to my roomies and to the fervent political entries of fellow bloggers,i’m not a hundred percent clueless…

one particular issue that caught my attention is that of Brigadier General Francisco Gudani.from what i’ve gathered, he has made certain allegations of cheating and anomalies in the recent presidential elections.him being one of the four general’s mentioned in the ‘hello,garci’ wiretapped conversation made it even more controversial.my concern is not that of whether the allegations are true or otherwise.

saw his face last night on the news, he’s aged, and he looked tired.i felt compelled to know all about the case he’s involved in and i just found myself in awe after doing so.here’s a military officer who’s served for too many years, about to retire, caught in the neverending web of who’s won the last election, who cheated and who did not.

clearly, hasn’t anybody realized how everything has become a vicious cycle.campaign, elections,declaration of winners and accusations of cheaters, investigations, hearings and rallies in ayala, mendiola and God knows where.it’s becoming familiar like the plots of those cheesy telenovelas, only difference is, this one is real.

seeing Gudani’s face, two questions formed in my already clouded brain.what if he’s telling the truth?would he be guaranteed safety, security…of his life , and of his family…what if he’s not?same question follows…as it is it seems the man has nowhere to go to, it’s damn if he did and damn if he don’t…no wonder the tired face…

as jean valjean has put it in les miserables, ‘if i speak,i am condemned,if i stay silent..i am dead’…

if someone like him could possibly courage the fight that he’s putting up and end up in the uncertain misery that he’s in right now,what else is left for those who doesn’t have a title under his name or badge to brag about?how else is anyone with less stature in the society going to face the government’s instability?

we, like Gudani, are becoming actors of stories we’re not even commissioned to act for…except of course we do not have a choice.maybe that’s it, Gudani…did not have a choice.

in time, the truth will come out, and Gudani will either be a hero or the opposite of it…in time Gudani will emerge triumphant or defeated…but either endings, i doubt if his face will return to what it was before…it will be just that, tired, wrinkled in a way that not even the Belo group could improved…the story would forever be etched in the eharts of those who’ve been involved…exhausted of our country’s theatrics…

if those people in those are up there already in the firing range, aren’t our faces the ones that are next in line?

SO MANY QUESTIONS

it feels like my tear ducts have totally dried up from yesterday.though i still feel like weeping my heart out i can no longer do it…i’m crying but no tears are coming out of my already stinging eyes…

maybe it’s because the other day my teammates as well as my supervisor were starting to throw me funny looks, clearly curious as to why im bursting into tears in my station every now and then. several has asked me why the seriously puffy eyes and i just answered with what i hope to be a convincing smile and shrug.there’s really nothing to say.well,i can’t exactly tell them that once again, i’m a casualty of my own stupidity.one teammate blurted out, ‘kaya mo yan’ and i just looked away.t’was all i could do to keep the emotions deep within.

maybe it’s because this time i wanna do it differently.i don’t wanna jeopardized any other aspect of my life just because my good old friend named Depression has decided to visit me again for an indefinite period of time…to keep us both company, he’s brought along other friends namely Pain and Confusion. together, they’ve decided to trot along wherever i go, for how long they’d be staying this time i do not know.i don’t even know if i’m better off alone.

my heart still physically throbs with pain, my throat constricted as ever.my feet do not know where to go next and my mind cannot think straight.i’m weak with everything that’s happened recently and once again i find myself in this deep labyrinth of questions with no answers. but i am whole, maybe because i am friggin’ trying to be. so much depends on me, and it would be selfish to think only of my own misery.my off’s around the corner once again and when i go home i should be the picture of a truly happy lady, unrufled by any conflicts, unperturbed and unfamiliar to being hurt.i should be the strong mommy for my angel and an even stronger fortress for family.i’m all they have.just that sometimes i can’t help thinking and asking… “what do I have?”…but even asking that is being selfish…

maybe i can just write?if for nothing else than to lessen the drama that is my life?

when?when did i ever think that i can go through this again?when will i ever live the lessons from the past, and will living those lessons guarantee me happiness?happiness was the past few months, and i’m beginning to feel like happiness has got it’s own expiration date.when will i ever learn?

where?where has everything began?and where will it ever end?they say there’s always the rainbow after the rain, but i’ve been caught in one too many downpours and i’ve only caught very faint glimpse of the rainbow’s spectrum. they say at the end of the rainbow’s a pot of gold, but in mine all i’ve found are leprechauns, nagging, grinning, mocking my lack of ability to smile.

how?how is it possible that one gets hurt over and over…how is it possible that days of gloom quickly overtakes days of sunshine?how is it possible that deep within, though it’s not the first time still feels so strange…painfully strange…how is it possible that you’ve given it your best but it still doesn’t entitle you to being happy in the end…how does one instantly set aside something that’s been there in a while in favor of something that’s fascinatingly new?how can it be that everywhere around me everybody’s smiling, and not one soul could understand what’s going on…that all i want even for just a second, is a break from all these things that are unfair…a refuge from all those demons that are haunting me…how is it that i could always be there for someone wherever, whenever ? but i myself (as shugabu has put it)…there’s no hero in my sky…

why?why do i have to go through all these…been a while since i’ve had happiness for a lasting period of time…no matter how i try to hold on to those days, they almost always deliberately slip away…why do i have to love for more than a while…why can’t i just divert my attentions and emotions in a snap like others can…why can’t i go gallivanting around the world and enjoy what i can, while i can?why are my feelings so prodding?why do things never go right, don’t i have the right to a forever’s smile?why is it that i mess up anything that’s within my grasp?i can’t make anything right, try as i might…and why…oh why..tears, as much as ducts are dry, tears never left my eyes…

APOLOGIES TO CUELHO

One always has to know when a stage comes to an end.

If we insist on staying longer than the necessary time, we lose the happiness and the meaning of the other stages we have to go through. Closing cycles, shutting doors, ending chapters – whatever name we give it, what matters is to leave in the past the moments of life that have finished. Did you lose your job? Has a loving relationship come to an end? Did you leave your parents’ house? Gone to live abroad? Has a long-lasting friendship ended all of a sudden?

You can spend a long time wondering why this has happened. You can tell yourself you won’t take another step until you find out why certain things that were so important and so solid in your life have turned into dust, just like that. But such an attitude will be awfully stressing for everyone involved: your parents, your husband or wife, your friends, your children, your sister, everyone will be finishing chapters, turning over new leaves, getting on with life, and they will all feel bad seeing you at a standstill. None of us can be in the present and the past at the same time, not even when we try to understand the things that happen to us. What has passed will not return: we cannot for ever be children, late adolescents, sons that feel guilt or rancor towards our parents, lovers who day and night relive an affair with someone who has gone away and has not the least intention of coming back.

Things pass, and the best we can do is to let them really go away.
That is why it is so important (however painful it may be!) to destroy souvenirs, move, give lots of things away to orphanages, sell or donate the books you have at home. Everything in this visible world is a manifestation of the invisible world, of what is going on in our hearts – and getting rid of certain memories also means making some room for other memories to take their place.

Let things go. Release them. Detach yourself from them. Nobody plays this life with marked cards, so sometimes we win and sometimes we lose. Do not expect anything in return, do not expect your efforts to be appreciated, your genius to be discovered, your love to be understood. Stop turning on your emotional television to watch the same program over and over again, the one that shows how much you suffered from a certain loss: that is only poisoning you, nothing else.

Nothing is more dangerous than not accepting love relationships that are broken off, work that is promised but there is no starting date, decisions that are always put off waiting for the “ideal moment.” Before a new chapter is begun, the old one has to be finished: tell yourself that what has passed will never come back. Remember that there was a time when you could live without that thing or that person – nothing is irreplaceable, a habit is not a need. This may sound so obvious, it may even be difficult, but it is very important. Closing cycles. Not because of pride, incapacity or arrogance, but simply because that no longer fits your life. Shut the door, change the record, clean the house, shake off the dust.

Stop being who you were, and change into who you are.

-paulo coelho

my answer: “my apologies to cuelho…as beautiful as your article is explicit…as difficult it is for me to learn,moreover live by your lessons…”

FUCK you right back

Oh oh oooh no no no

(You know there’s two sides to every story)

See I don’t know why you cryin’ like a bitch talkin’ shit like a snitch Why you write a song ’bout me If you really didn’t care You wouldn’t wanna share Tellin’ everybody just how you feel

×CHORUS× Fuck What I did, was your fault somehow Fuck the presents, I threw all that shit out Fuck all the cryin’ it didn’t mean jack Well guess what yo, fuck you right back

Fuck what I did was your fault somehow Fuck the presents,I threw all that shit out Fuck all the cryin’ it didn’t mean jack well guess what yo,fuck you right back

You thought you could really make me moan I had better sex all alone (ha ha ha ha) I had to do your friend now you want me to come back you must be smokin’ crack Im goin’ else where and thats a fact

Fuck all those nights I moaned real loud fuck it, I faked it, aren’t you proud? fuck all those nights you thought you broke my back well guess what joe,your sex was wack

Fuck all those nights I moaned real loud fuck it,I faked it,aren’t you proud? fuck all those nights you thought you broke my back well guess what your,your sex was wack

ooh ooh uh uh yea

ooh ooh uh uh yea

ooh ooh uh uh yea

ooh ooh uh uh yea

You questioned did I care maybe I would have if woulda come to me now it’s over but I do admit i’m glad I didn’t catch your crabs I can’t sweat that cause Im not ur hoe

CHORUS fuck What I did, was your fault somehow fuck the presents, I threw all that shit out Fuck all the cryin it didnt mean jack well guess what yo, fuck you right back

HUG FROM BEHIND

oh f*ck…of all the things, i’m missing the hug from behind…waiting there in the cinema ticket line,the surprise wrap of arms,regardless of whose around…the closeness of breath on my cheek, the warmth as you speak…hug from behind,the touch of the skin from one’s arm to another… the moment where i can can pretend that i’m yours and you’re mine…just a moment, a minute of smilin now worth every tear that’s fallin…

=======================
that’s all

I can only give you love that lasts forever,
And a promise to be near each time you call.
And the only heart I own
For you and you alone
That’s all,
That’s all…

I can only give you country walks in springtime
And a hand to hold when leaves begin to fall;
And a love whose burning light
Will warm the winter’s night
That’s all,
That’s all.

There are those I am sure who have told you,
They would give you the world for a toy.
All I have are these arms to enfold you,
And a love even time can’t destroy.

If you’re wondering what I’m asking in return, dear,

You’ll be glad to know that my demands are small.

Say it’s me that you’ll adore,

For now and evermore

That’s all,

That’s all.

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hug from behind - you like to feel what the other
person is feeling and see things how they see
them. you tend to be serious and emotional.

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