ANNIVERSARY BLUES

sept 23, 2004, thursday,exactly twenty days after i’ve undergone C-section,i’ve a new guy.after a couple of months of self-deliberation,i’ve a boyfriend.i’ve succumb to the attached status.a day after i took my ‘yes’ back,and the guy and i nuninuninuninoooed for one more week before we set it official.oct 4,2004,i was his,he’s mine.

he’s the kind of guy who treats his girl like a queen.he takes all the worrying into his hands and lets his girl sit back and relax.

he’s thoughtful.he calls four to five times a day regardless of his geographical location, he finds a way.he gets worried if there’s no SMS from his girl in a couple of hours straight.my fone got drained one time,i was on travel and unable to recharge.turned the phone on, presto:20 or so missed calls,have forgotten how many messages,all from him.and a couple of more landline calls to my then roomie.

he’s sweet.we’re movie buffs and he always had a ticket to a good one every week.we both smoke and he’s taken into memory the good places where we can dine and burn our lungs out.

he’s a romantic.he took me to subic.he introduced me to his boss and other colleagues.he’s openly affectionate regardless of who’s looking.

he’s got a gifted tongue *wink*.he always know what to say and when to say it.he knows how to make a girl feel secure.moreover he knows how to make a girl feel beyond special.he knows how to make a girl believe he’s found the one he would stay with…

he’s a good lover.he’s gentle, he’s rough, he’s fast,he’s tender, he’s a taker, he’s a giver.he’s got heat that makes one shiver.

he made me feel at peace.he made me feel contented.

he’s so good a boyfriend a girlfriend would not be able to ask for anything else.and i’ve realized in the long run, him being so good is not good after all.one would drown in happiness that one would forget how it is to cry,and one would forget how to accept the things that are not so good in one’s life.

after a couple of too-perfect-i-should’ve-known-it-won’t-last months, it’s over.

his SMS: ayoko na.let’s stop.
his reason:he could not stand the guilt anymore.(sounds lame huh?)
my initial reaction:numbness, confusion and disbelief.
my delayed reaction:hysterics and total breakdown.

his case.i was too needy, my world was already focused on him and he felt guilty that he could not give it all.he could no longer take the guilt that he feels whenever he’s not around.he wanted to be at my beck and call but he no longer can.his summary, i have to find someone better (much more lame huh?lemme finish).

my case.with everything he’s done and he’s shown me, i thought it was ok for me to be needy.i was not even aware i was being one until he said it.he made me feel like a princess and i thought i really was.i pictured myself as someone rescued from the things of my recent past,unaware that my so called knight would also be another-used-to-be.as lame as it sounds that he broke it off ‘coz he could no longer take the guilt, it’s TRUE.i’ve been too dependent,i’ve been too happy with him i no longer knew how i’d be happy without him,and that,i’ve learned…was very wrong.my summary, too much, too soon.and yes, i no longer deserve him, and the feelings he had for me were no longer there.

him 2wks after we broke up:he’s got a new girl.someone who’s got everything that he would not see in me.someone who could then afford to be independent of him.someone who’d've comforted him at the instant i was out of the picture.someone who could afford to be perfect in the very same manner that i can never be.my complete opposite.someone who could give the happiness that i cannot.

me 2wks after we broke up:i had no one.i had my friends, friends who tried their best to cheer me up and make me forget.though i was too busy drowning in my sorrows that i did not pay attention to anyone who’ve tried to help me swim.the disbelief grew as well as the inability to accept.i was crying myself to sleep every night, soaking my liver in alcohol every chance i got, excusing myself from office from time to time.i kept pounding myself with questions as to how such would be possible? how someone can hurt another and seemingly not care at all? how someone can love another deeply and how those feelings can change in just a snap?one wrong move, and it was all gone. needless to say, i was depressed.

i was diagnosed with post-natal depression.therapy was prescribed but i declined.i knew what triggered it and i knew that professional help would not do.

what i needed then was time.

i went out with friends.i focused myself on work. i did everthing that would make people think i’ve moved on, that would make myself think i’m ok.but no matter how successful one is in making others believe that he’s alright, it’s one’s self that would betray him,and i haven’t denied myself of that fact. i know that i still haven’t fully recovered.

only a year has passed but it feels like i’ve aged a couple more.aaahhh, the lessons.

there is nothing to be rushed.if things are meant to be, they would fall into place in time.i was in such a hurry to be ‘rescued’.i did not even ask myself if i was ready when i plunged in into another relationship. i did not even know what i want or what i need,what i could do or what i could not.

there is more to a relationship than the momentary spark.the flame would always be burning in the beginning, but it would take huge efforts from both parties to keep the fire aflame for a long time.

we can only do, and feel so much.if the feeling is gone, there’s no sense pushing it. there would always be instances when we would feel like we’re ready for anything but we’re not.and those things are the things that we should expect.

there would always be times when the world would fall on us but in reality, life goes on.we might be crippled for some time but everything else proceeds to run, and for that we cannot stop.

him a year after:he’s got a new girl.another girl who’s my opposite as well.is he happy?i hope so.

me after a year:i’m still single, but unavailable.i want to work on loving myself first and being happy on my own.before i dive again headfirst into the relationship pool,i wanna make sure i’d be a master diver.the wounds are still there,not yet completely healed, i can feel them tingling every now and then.but i am no longer the bleeding one.gimme a couple o’ years or so and i’d be as good as new… (i hope *wink* )am i happy? i’m not sure right now but i WILL be…

we after a year:we’re good friends now.we’ve managed to bury the hatchet, have some fun like we used to and found a way to accept things as they are.i wouldn’t be hypocrite enough not to say that he still makes me *sigh*. he still have my heart and i still see the future in his eyes, but that’s all there is to it. i do not know why i feel that way, i’ve ceased to let the neverending search for answers monopolize my life.what i know is that everything has its own reason and in time i’ll know all those reasons…in time i will understand.

i know i am talking in cliches but this thing called anniversary has gotten me nostalgic and sentimental and philosophical and so many other things that i felt the safest way to let all those feelings out are through words,so as not to be too personal what better way than to use cliches?

for in everything that i’ve said in this entry,there’s been one thing that i’ve managed to avoid, hoping i can keep that one little detail a secret. but what secret can one keep when one’s self is nagging? of all the lessons that i’m trying to keep in mind and the answers that i’m trying to find, one thing remains that makes everything complicated. suffice to say, i’d conclude with that, secrets be damned.

love is a neverending program, the lessons countless and each test more difficult than the last.each and every one has gone through the school of love but i doubt if anyone can ever really say that he’s gotten his diploma, dahil sa totoo lang, when love’s concerned…
WE JUST NEVER LEARN.

 
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happy anniversary…
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“Say It”

You know that I want you babe
You know that I need you
You know that I love you
Just say it
Am I giving enough?
Is it all that should be?
When water gets rough
Will you still swim with me?
So afraid to come close
And maybe too slow
And maybe too much
For you to consume

[Chorus:]
And I wanna know if I
Can live inside your world
And I wanna know if I
Could give it to you girl
You know that I want you say it
You know that I need you say it
You know that I love you say it
Our love just goes on and on and on
You know that I want you say it
You know that I need you say it
You know that I love you say it
My love just goes on and on and on

I gave you all that you need
There’s no better place you can be
And I know that in time
You will believe in me
So please hold out your hand
And lets exchange this golden band
‘Cause I want you in my life
I want you to be my wife

[Repeat chorus]

My girl so special
I want to give it all to you
Loving you on and on
My girl so special
I want to give it all to you
Loving you on and on

[Repeat chorus]

SOMETHING’S WRONG

  ”…a good friend wil bail you out of jail, a true friend will be sitting there beside you saying ‘hey, that was fun!’…”

  i’ve come across this qoute several times.i like it and it got stuck somewhere in the back of my mind.it was not until recently that it has reemerged with a whole new meaning for me.suddenly, something seems to be wrong.

  the good friend is the ideal companion, full of achievements and has met the expectations of people around her.one who’ll never steer you out of direction.the good friend is one who’ll always know where to go or what to say,one who’ll always know how to make you smile and one who’ll always be there to get you out of trouble. she is the one who knows the book by heart and has the blueprint of good life on her fingertips. the good friend ensures happiness and helps you realize your dreams of a perfect world. the good friend is the one you’d be proud to show off to others, she is the one who can never go wrong, the one who makes you feel you can do anything,the one who makes everything look beautiful.

  the true friend is the one with whom you’ve got a lot in common. the true friend is the one with whom you’ve shared all sorts of trips,the simplest to the weirdest. the true friend is the one you miss when you’re longing for that wild streak, or those conversations or those silent companionship. the true friend would take a leap of faith and would put all risks to shame, she is the one who makes you feel you can do everything. she is the one you seek after a while, the true friend also takes the extra mile.

  both of them, as different as they are, are both appreciated.
you’ve found both or either of them, you have your future made.

  i am neither.

  i can never be ideal, in fact, i’m the antithesis of the word.i’ve shatterred expectations and i broke the hearts of people who matter.i never care which direction we take, as long as we’re together.at times, i don’t even know what i’m going to say, but you do. the look on my face is always enough for you to tell what’s going on inside my head. i always try to make you smile, though in the end we always cry… and trouble seems to be a part of our lives. try as i might, i can never ensure your happiness nor make your world perfect, ‘coz everytime we reach the verge of perfection, something (always) goes wrong.i’m not someone to be proud of, though i feel that for you i can do anything.i cannot make everything look beautiful but i want everyone to see you as the beautiful being that you are.

   we’ve got the least number of things in common.i’m north pole and you’re south, and no matter how much effort, we can never scientifically meet ‘coz the world is round.i am willing to share the simplest to the weirdest, though there’s that simple fact that with you everything’s the best, be it hours of tactless discussions, wordless walks or speechless stares.i miss each and every facet of you, the wild, tame, reckless and cautious you.it’s just that there’s also the simple fact: you don’t miss me too.you’ve made me feel i can do everything.i’ve taken all sorts of risks and i’ve put leaps of faith to shame, and i’ve accepted long ago that you cannot do the same.of all the extra miles i took one would think i could’ve won a race, but how, when you won’t even seek my face.i’m the one who could be lost forever and you would not even notice i’m gone.

  you’ve never found me.
  i am neither, i am both, you do not see me in your future.

  and i guess it’ll always be a mystery, why i see my future in your eyes.

  ”…a good friend wil bail you out of jail, a true friend will be sitting there beside you saying ‘hey, that was fun!’…”

  i’ve come across this qoute several times,something’s wrong.

  i am NOT in the picture.

  i can be everything or anything.i can be the police, i can be the witness, heck i can even be the jail warden! but i don’t think i can ever be the one to bail you out, waiting for you, or the one sitting there beside you. i can always try, but just the same, in the end i would always cry.
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“You And Me”
lifehouse

What day is it? And in what month?
This clock never seemed so alive
I can’t keep up and I can’t back down
I’ve been losing so much time

Cause it’s you and me and all of the people
with nothing to do Nothing to lose

And it’s you and me and all of the people
And I don’t know why, I can’t keep my eyes off of you

All of the things that I want to say
just aren’t coming out right
I’m tripping on words
You’ve got my head spinning
I don’t know where to go from here

Cause it’s you and me and all of the people
with nothing to do Nothing to prove
And it’s you and me and all of the people
And I don’t know why, I can’t keep my eyes off of you

There’s something about you now
I can’t quite figure out
Everything she does is beautiful
Everything she does is right

Cause it’s you and me and all of the people
with nothing to do Nothing to lose
And it’s you and me and all of the people
And I don’t know why, I can’t keep my eyes off of you
and me and all of the people
with nothing to do Nothing to prove
And it’s you and me and all of the people
And I don’t know why, I can’t keep my eyes off of you

What day is it? And in what month?
This clock never seemed so alive

***********************************************

MEANTIME GIRL

a current fave song reminded me of this article… ’tis one article i sooooooooo understand…

MEANTIME GIRL

She’s the one you call when you’re bored or sometimes when you and your significant other had a fight because she makes you laugh. She’s the one you talk to when you’re feeling down because she’s willing to lend an ear and be a friend. She’s the one you spend time with between buddies, before you find “The One”. You know the one who hangs around in the meantime.

She’s too laidback, too easily amused by the same things your male buddies are amused by. She’s too understanding, too comfortable – she doesn’t make you feel nervous or excited the way a “real woman does. But she’s cool, nice, funny and attractive enough that when you’re lonely or horny and need an intimate female companionship, she’ll do just fine.

You don’t have to wine and dine her because she knows the real you already. She’s not easy, but you know that she cares about you and is attracted to you, and that she’ll give you the intimacy you need. And you know you don’t have to explain yourself or the situation, that she’ll be able to cope with the fact that this isn’t the beginning of a relationship or that there’s any possibility that you have any real romantic feelings for her.

It won’t bother that you would text her sometimes just to say not to text you because you’re with your girlfriend. She’s just sooo cool…why can’t all women be like that? But deep down, if you really think about it (which you probably don’t because to you, the situation between the two of you isn’t important enough to merit any real thought), you know that it’s really not fair. You know that although she would never say it, it hurts her to know that despite all her good points and all the fun you two have, you don’t think she’s good enough to spend any real time with.

Sure, it’s mostly her fault, because she doesn’t have to give in to your needs — she could play the hard-to-get b***h like the rest of them does, if she really wanted to. But you and she both know that she probably couldn’t pull it off. Maybe she’s not really your type. Whatever the reason, somehow life has given her a lot of really great qualities but has left out the ones that men want (or think they want) in a woman.

She’s just too thoughtful. She’ll sometimes buy you things you need; she’ll sometimes buy you or cook midnight snacks for you and personally deliver it in your place. She wants to be special to someone, too. We all do. She has feelings. She has a heart. In fact, she probably has the bigger heart than any woman you’ve ever known because she’s had a front-row seat to The Mess That Is Your Life, and she likes you anyway. She obviously sees something worthwhile and redeeming in you because although you’ve given her nothing, absolutely no reason to still be around, she is. She’s just your convenient excuse to fool around.

Anyway, yeah. I’m a Meantime Girl. I don’t know the reason, really, and at this point I don’t even care. I just want to let every guy to know who’s ever had the good fortune to have a Meantime Girl that we may be a lot of fun, but we cry too. A lot. And someday we won’t be around.
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MUST BE NICE

Man talking:Ay yo you…you dat juss flipped on dat cd player..I juss wanna inform yo that
when ya got sumbody good..You hold on to’em

Must Be Nice..
Havin sumone who understands the life you live
Must Be Nice..
Havin someone whose slow to take and quick to give
Must Be Nice..
Havin sumone who sticks around when the rough times get thick,sumone whose smile is
bright enuff to make the projects feel like a mansion

Must Be Nice..
Havin sumone who loves you despite you faults
Must Be Nice..
Havin sumone who talks the talk but also walks the walk
Must Be Nice..
Havin sumone who understands that a thug has feelings too
Sumone who loves you 4sho you just remember to never let’em go

*Chorus*
Cuz even when your hustlin days are gone
She’ll be by your side still holdin on
And even when those 20’s stop spinnin
And all them gold diggin women disappear,she’ll still be here

Must Be Nice..
Havin sumone you can come home to from a long day at work
Must Be Nice..
Havin sumone you don’t have to show,they know exactly where it hurts
Must Be Nice..
Havin sumone who trusts you despite what they’ve heard
Sumone as mighty as a lion but still as gentle as a bluebird
Must Be Nice..
Havin sumone you don’t have to tell you don’t wanna be alone (oh no)
Must Be Nice..
Havin sumone you can grow old with until God calls ya’ll home
Must Be Nice..
Havin sumone who understands that a thug has feelings too
Sumone who loves you 4sho..you never let’em go!

*Chorus until end* ******************************************

ANGELA

DELANNE…that’s your (biological) father’s name and mine combined.i could not bring myself to tell your lola but i think she’s figured it out long before you were baptized.i’ve told her the name was taken from drew barrymore’s character in charlie’s angel but i know i can’t fool Inay for so long.she’s just too smart.and yep, as a mom, she knows best, that i should’ve realized earlier.oh well…

your lola hates him.the entire family do not like him.but after everything, i could not bring myself to hate him.i thought ’twas because i was still in love with him.but that was then.i’ve realized i’ve gotten over him for over a year now, i don’t know how, but i did.however, i still cannot stir up anger for the man that is your father,but i am sorry to say, there’s no more love either.

no words could’ve prepaired any woman for the pain of giving birth,’twas as if your backbones and hipbones are being restructured, literally!i’ve asked, begged your father to be there, i was scared beyond my wits.it almost killed me when he refused, he said his presence would just make matters worse.he broke my heart each time he’s refused to see you, on the day of your baptism, last straw was on your birthday.according to him, he’s afraid to see you,that he’s scared he’d fall in love and change his decisions, whatever those decisions are.you see my child, he’s killed every ounce of love i’ve had for him.now he’s trying to build bridges and i do not feel like crossing that bridge, not anymore… forgive me.

RINOA…one of the most beautiful character i’ve seen in RPG’s.’twas said that the rinoa’s been modeled after the creator’s wife.but whatever it is, you’d always be the most beautiful for me.i am a gamer, so is your father.that’s what has brought us closer.we’ve romped around Midgard without a care for the real world.someday i’ll introduce you to RPG’s.i don’t know if you’d like ‘em, i won’t force you, but i keep on gettin’ this feeling you would.

as beautiful as you are, i cannot promise to give you the perfect life,one with a complete family.my situation’s no longer uncommon but it’s still far from being simple.i’d sooner give you a brother or a sister than a father who do not deserve us.what i can promise you is give you the beautiful and happy life that you should have,albeit incomplete according to society’s standards, nevertheless satisfied and whole inside.because we have each other.

VIA ANGELA…means thru an angel.i believe God has given me a message when He gave you to me.you’re His messenger, you’re my angel.until now, i do not know if i’ve already figured the message out.i also do not know what His real plans are. whatever it is, i just hope i would not fail Him, that i would not fail you.

these are the trying times Gela.forgive me if i’m not coping as easily as one would’ve expected.i’m not used to this.i’m not giving you an excuse.i’m just asking that you do not loose hope in me.do not give me up.once when i was seventeen i told my mom that i would never be like her!those were the rebellious years.now that i have you, all i wanted is to be at least half the mother that she is, then i’d know you’d be alright.yes, i have serious doubts if i can be the mother-and father- that you’d want and need.but i’m definitely going to give it my best.i just could not live without trying, and i am now.

i am not always by your side, but God knows how much i want to be.whenever i see families it’s you i think of, would i ever be able to give you that?my heart gets squeezed whenever i see a guy with a baby in his arms, when i cannot even make your father see you?would i ever be sufficient?

these are the trying times Gela.forgive me if i’m not coping as easily as one would’ve expected.i may break down from time to time but i’m not giving up.there is no excuse.i am not loosing hope. as long as you’re there, i’d be strong, i would go on.and someday when you’re old enough to read-and understand- this, i hope and pray that you would feel how much i love you.

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She Got Kids lyrics
lyfe jennings

1st Verse:
I know a lot of women gonna hate it
but, somebody’s gotta say it
And so I nominated myself to deliver the news
that its hard for a man to choose a lady
that already got a baby
Although his feelings may be strong
Having kids that don’t belong to him
holding on to him somehow seems wrong to him
Exposing them to a man who may one day decide
he’s tired of the family life
And now he’s gotta tell that little girl a goodbye lie
when he’s the only Dad she’s ever had in her life
I don’t wanna take that chance please don’t take offense
it’s just the thought of hurting somebody that was innocent

Chorus:
She got kids
And I don’t know if I’m ready to give
Them the things that they need to live
‘Cause if we become more than just friends
what I do for her I gotta do for them kids
She got kids
And I just wanna make sure this is
more than just some sexual trip
See all I wanna do is prevent those kids from getting hurt again

2nd Verse:
Most men think it but they’ll never say it
but what if ya’ll had another baby
And he’s accused of choosing favorites, and they’re right
Would he be wrong for loving his own flesh and blood a little more
Is he being human or only being immature
who’s to say
that’s why it’s better just to wait
take love day to day
and let love spread its own wings
and if it wants to fly away or if it decides to stay
it wont be because of any unrealistic expectations ya’ll done made
and he wont have to pray that little girl ain’t awake
when he tiptoe out the door so he won’t have to explain
I don’t wanna take that chance please don’t take offense
I just don’t need that kinda drama on my conscience
Ohhh ooooo

Chorus
(Repeat)
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CINDERELLA MAN

Cinderella man is one lengthy film that would not put viewers to sleep,the viewers would wanna see it ’til the end. it’s awe-inspiring and full of hope, IT’S A MOVIE! but hey it’s a true story, one with a happy ending. Russell Crowe has given another one of those performance that would make one let out a whistle.i would not even begin to describe ms. zellweger, i’d be too biased owing to the fact that i like her soooo much.whoever did the film casting was a genius.

it’s a three hanky film that’s worth every sniff.

funny i was not able to memorize any line from the film. maybe ’twas because i was too busy crying.but i was not too busy not hear the voice of an angel. as i was pouring my heart out during one of Braddock’s lowest points in the film, he whispered “that would never happen to you.” his voice was soothing. for a second, i felt there was nowhere else i’d rather be but there in his arms. just a second. the angel was gone before i could say something. he didn’t even hear me when i whispered “i know…i know that as long as you’re here, i don’t think anything could harm me…”