WEDDING DAY

Friday, August 19, 2005
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   ”…i wanna be in love, i wanna wake up next to someone with a smile on his face… i wanna do those Sunday morning breakfasts and all those things…”-must love dogs

   at times when bouts of yearning assail me, i close my eyes and pray that i’ll wake up w/ someone who truly loves me, ONLY me. i’d cook him breakfast and he’ll wake up with a smile at the sight of me.
   i wanna be able to cater to him any way & every way i can.i want the feeling that i have a partner with whom i’m building a future. i want the feeling that after work i’ve to rush home ‘coz i’ve to be ready when he does, simply ‘coz he needs me to be there.
   that when i turn the key, i would not be alone in my own home, and my presence would be enough to take away all the exhaustion and anguish from his day. i want the feeling wherein dinner won’t be just a haphazard activity being done ‘coz of the human necessity to satisfy hunger, but a langurous time wherein i’d be lookin’ deep into his eyes, needless of words ‘coz communication is not tangible.
   i want the feeling of MAKING LOVE. having sex is one thing, but making love with someone who’s loving your body as well as your soul is more than different. the memory goes down to a chestbox full of treasures.
   i don’t want one-too-many. the “one” would be more than enough. one who’d accept and appreciate everything that i have, all that are in me and everything that are not.
   i know he’s out there. i might have met him already, i might have not. i refuse to think he doesn’t exist, for without him i would not feel these wants and needs, for without him, i would not hold on to this hope that someday i will find myself living my life just the way i did in my dreams.
   people cry for what they have had and lost, i had my share of that. but now i’m crying for what i would like to have, something that’s seeming to be increasingly elusive. funny how i want all these things but i’m not searching, i’m enduring the torture of waiting. people would not understand that while the yearning is so strong, the desire to save myself and all those wants and needs for him is stronger. unfair as it is, my words will come across as something that hinges on the verge of craziness,but i refuse to believe that i would not have it, for without these dreams, these thoughts, my faith, i would have nothing.

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…’tis had been written with you as my inspiration,

thank you for igniting the desire in me to write again….

…and ’tis would be sang on my wedding…

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without you
charlie wilson

Without you
Mmm…hmm…
It feels like a lifetime,
A thousand days have passed by
Since I held you close to me
If I could see that smile from my friend
I know that I could live again
I need you here with me

Heaven knows what to say
Even though for right
Now you’re so far away
I hope and I pray
Somewhere in your heart I’ll always stay

Girl, lately my sun doesn’t shine without you
Never noticed what it feels like to be without you
Feels like I took my last step
And my last breath in my life ending
Had to say just what I was feeling, girl
‘Cause my sun doesn’t shine,
Sun doesn’t shine without you

This is more for me than for you
Girl, I finally see there’s no substitute
For what we have
Do you know how much I love you

Heaven knows what to say
Even though for right now you’re so far away
Gonna tell you and show you
Do whatever I can do to get back to you

Girl, lately my sun doesn’t shine without you
Never noticed what it feels like to be without you
Feels like I took my last step
And my last breath in my life ending
Had to say just what I was feeling, girl
‘Cause my sun doesn’t shine,
Sun doesn’t shine without you

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…weddings! hahahaha! big laugh! i’ve this simple but very beautiful ceremony planned down to the last detail except for the identity of the groom…this grrom had a name before, for a very short period of time, i was able to name him, was able to picture myself spendin’ the rest of eternity with him, but as i’ve said, t’was short-lived. since then, no other name was able to rekindle the desire of settling down, maybe i’ve closed my doors, maybe i’ve left it ajar.
   didn’t dare leave it wide open simply ‘coz i can’t afford it. there are occassions to be planned, appointments to attend to, bills to be paid and a loving family to care for. sometimes, feeling and realizing the importance of responsibilities takes away the ability to carry on with one’s own needs and desires. unconsciously, one’s needs take least priority, simply ‘coz it has to. one’s got to do what one’s got to do, ‘coz if i won’t, who would?       didn’t dare to leave it wide open for fear that the next one would leave it hanging on hinges again.it’s really a bitch tryin to find mechanics or handymen nowadays. in fact life’s a bitch it’s hard to find time to pay attention to one’s hopeless romantic side. there’s always a lot of things pending, waiting for one’s attention that one tends to see her life pass by without actually living it.sometimes i don’t know if i really haven’t met anyone good enough to replace my first groom, or i just didn’t have the time to take a second look.
   so there, it might be closed, might be ajar.but who’s to blame, when nowadays, it’s easier to play than to trust anybody’s claim.it’s either one bring’s game or one gets played.so where does my wedding comes in?i’ve serious doubts that that planned wedding has a serious place in the story of my life. oh well, so be it.
   i’m beginning to believe my pseudotherapist’s ringing statement that i’m just not cut out for IT! by IT he meant everything that surrounding me, he doesn’t think i’m weak but he also doesn’t think my beliefs and faith are enough to save me.pseudotherapist already thinks i’m too wounded as it is. if pseudotherapist’s will be obeyed, i’d be forever eradicated from my online life.but as it is pseudotherapist is busy planning his own wedding for the forthmonth.come to think of it, it’s their invitation that’s driving me melancholy and yearning nowadays.i’m beginning to believe that those sappy, corny, happy moments aren’t meant for everybody, including me.
   weddings!what wedding?! big laugh!
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IT GOES ON

03sept2005
   been out of circulation for a few days… had a grueling week tryin’ to get everything ready for my child’s birthday… it’s this aft,3pm, in san pablo city , laguna, you’re invited btw…

   whew… can’t believe i’d be able to pull it off after all… it seemed like a joker with a wicked sense of humor has chosen to play cruel tricks on me, one after the other…

   my mom has been bugging me to ask the father for help… my pride wouldn’t let me… my point:he knows that it’s his child’s birthday and i haven’t heard from him for months! if he would like to take part in it, he would’ve at least texted me…

   my application for leave was dissapproved:no allocation accdg. to workforce… oh well, so i’ve resigned myself to the fact that i’d be commuting back and forth… w/c i did yesterday, and later after my shift… no other way to work around it… one day’s pay is one day’s pay…

   the payroll couldn’t have chosen a worse opportunity to play with my pay.. only half of it appeared in my account… a mixed up b/w finance and DTR division.. blah… blah… and i’ve spent 3 more days correcting it… next payday would not do… my child would turn a year old only once… and i’m all she has… finally, t’was settled..yesterday afternoon!!!

   i’ve summed up the courage to pay my child’s biological father a visit.. ‘coz i did need help… only to see a signboard nailed to his shop’s door saying ‘FOR SALE!’ caretaker said the entire shop has been moved to LB… since when my ex has decided to move his ass up to LB i do not know… went to LB to try to look for him, talk to him, invite him to see my baby and ask him for help… i figured a year would be enough for him to decide that after all… he’d like to at least see our baby… but he was nowhere in his LB shop… the only person i’ve found there is his gf… and i could not very well ask the gf… nobody knows about my baby in his side of the family… the parents know me, but not my baby…our baby…

   through all of those, all i had were prayers…and friends… one particular friend went as far as he could to help me… though he doesn’t have to… he doesn’t know how much it meant… he kept me on track, esp on those moments when i was on the verge of veering off… and for that i’d forever be grateful… he’s NOT gonna be there for a long time i know… but being there for now is more than enough… and i can only wish for all the falling stars i’ve seen… and all the hopes from everywhere i’ve been… he would not change… i don’t think there’s anything wrong in wishing and hoping… wishing and hoping that all of my friends would always be there… ‘coz i believe ’tis won’t be the last time i’d be goin through somethin like ’tis… might be even worse the next time… but i know that next time, i’d be of stronger fiber, substance and faith… again, wishing,hoping,praying…still loving,living…

   for in the plight of single parents, wishes and hopes belong to few of our treasures… prayers are our strongest weapons… and loving our only reason for living… for if there’s anything i’ve learned about life, IT GOES ON…

HOW COULD YOU? (repost III)

09 aug 2005

katangahan to i know but…
how could you???

all i want is for him to be happy…
cguro nman un din ang gus2 m…
how could you?

STAY (repost II)

31 july 2005

“..the hardest trick is making them stay…”

and once again…
i’d be unable to make you stay…

BIGAY TO NI TATAY

Sunday, August 28, 2005
bigay to ni tatay  

   my phone was just a few inches away from the lady’s hand,but i decided against it the last minute.no, i just could not give it up.
  
   bigay to ni tatay.

   it’s been more than ten years since he left the country for the so called greener pasture.that day is still vivid in memory.t’was a turning point, it marked the end of my childhood and the start of my eccentricity, that led to the person i am now.but what am i really now?
   
   tay,kilala mo pa ba ako?
   for children, 8 o’ clock is bedtime, but not for me.as a child, i hate going to sleep, especially when staying awake meant i would be waiting for my never failing variety of ‘pasalubong’-chips, little toys, books, my father would come up with all sorts of presents, that made him the most thoughtful man in my book.

   i’ve never been used to fairy tales for bedtime,i figured then i can read them on my own,the tales i favor most are the stories from my father’s days of work.it was from those stories that i’ve learned- theoretically at least-how one lives life, for himself and for others,the difference of what’s real from what’s farce, of what’s important from what’s not.he used to regale me with his stories in a non-imposing manner but i was compelled to listen anyway, and to believe.i was his fan, i am his number one fan.well okay,number two, nobody can top my mom.

   si Inay sigurista.
   back in primary school, my mother would always make sure i’ve the healthy combo for my baon,the stuff kids of those age hate to eat. i never bother to complain.
   si tatay kasi ang naghahatid sa akin araw-araw.
   my father would always give in whenever i ask him to buy the snacks i want.
   wag lang candies,ayaw na ayaw ni tatay na kumakain ako ng candy.

   until the fifth grade,i never got to carry my schoolbag,father would not let me.he would always buy those easy-to-pull rolling trolly bags every june for my own convenience,only for him to carry them up and down the school’s stairs.
   ayaw ni tatay ng nabibigatan ako sa kahit anong dinadala ko.  
(to be continued, naiiyak ako!lech!)

7 sept-hafta finish this…no more tears…
   one of things that i miss most are those motorcycle rides.my father has instilled in me the love for bikes.t’was like flying.whenever i’m down,i long to hop on a bike and temporarilyleave all worries behind, but he’s not there to drive.i do not know when i’d be flying again.i doubt he’d still be up to it.
   my father has never used the disciplinarian’s stick.he’s a non-believer of inflicting physical pain as a child’s punishment.he’ll indulge you in an awful silent treatment, so awful that you’d drive yourself nuts with guilt for whatever you’ve done and you’d never sit still ’til you’ve made your peace with him. he’s effective that way.
   he’s an undergrad, nevertheless he’s done everything to be a good provider.he’s taught me the importance of respect and honesty.too bad, he’s not around to see me learning and applying everything he’s taught.
   maybe he loves us too much, too much that it’s blinded him to the fact that i, we need him more than anything that he can earn.that day when he first left for another country is still etched in my mind,i was helpless as he was kind.he held me in his arms and whispered loads of requests,for me to take charge and take care of my mother and sibs.he whispered loads of promises while my tears flowed,unable to do anything.
   i was 11 then,i knew it would never be the same again, and that was the first time i had my heart broken.
   elementary school has commenced.my speech of gratitude was for tatay.i’ve delivered it while wishing i’d see you there among the audience,prepping myself for the most pleasant surprise.but no, you just promised you’d be there next time.
   every ounce of effort in high school was spent in making sure i’ll have that speech again for you.four years of effort but there was no TATAY in my graduation.i delivered it with that feverishe yearning of seeing you,of you being able to listen to every word i’ve wirtten, i’ve delivered the entire speech with my eyes scanning the back of the crowd, willing you to be there.but i ended the speech bursting into tears.i was everybody’s favorite,t’was my night but sadly i never felt it.i told myself i’d never do a speech again.
   i turned 18, i did not wish for a party.but my ‘rents insisted on it.Tatay said that’s what’s right for his eldest.i was in no position to argue.everybody celebrated,but myself.i was still under that illussion that you’d be the surprise gift for my first dance.
   i guess i had too much of those kind of films.my life is not a movie.

   years passed,i’ve my own child now.a lot has succumbed to the inevitable change,including my father.he’s succumbed to changing in a manner i’ve never believed possible.
   his last letter says he misses me, the strongwilled,hard-headed,stubborn me, and that i no longer call. the letter says he no longer knows what’s happening to me, whether i’m coping with being a single mom and all. he says it seems i’ve lost interest in communicating with him.
   i’ve written him lots of letters asking him to come back home.my brother needs him.my sisters miss him.my mother loves him.i’ve called during that time when it seemed i’ve hit rock bottom, and a woman’s voice answered my father’s mobile phone number.since then i’ve never called again.
   for the longest time i’ve refused to believe the rumors.for the longest time, i’ve tried my best to just believe the father that i used to know.in the end i’ve believed lies,for what i’ve refused to accept came full force and slapped me in the face.
   ’til now, nobody has ever realized how i’ve been affected.but then again, so much has happened for me to realized i really cannot blame anyone for anything, things happen.
   i’m still longing for my father.longing for him to come back for good.longing for us to have that talk.i know that after everything, he’d understand, and i would.he’d listen in a way that would make understanding easy,in a manner that would tell me it’s over, everything’s going back to what it used to be, 13 years ago.
  13 years,such a long time was lost, would he still know me?i’m know i’m not the girl i used to be, the one used to always make him proud.would he still be the same TATAY i’ve known before?he’s sick now.he would have to come home eventually.i no longer care who or how many women he’s been with just as long as he comes home.i need him.we need him, and i know he needs us.
   my phone was a fe inches away from the guy’s hand… and i gave it to him.i turned my back before anyone in the store could see the tears welled up in my eyes.
  bigay yun ni tatay.
   he was very proud when he gave it to me,the phone connects us.and now it’s gone.it’s gotta go, that i know.and again, my heart’s broken.

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will we ever sing this?

butterfly kisses

There’s two things I know for sure
She was sent here from heaven
and she’s daddy’s little girl. As I drop to my knees by her bed at night
She talks to Jesus and I close my eyes
and I thank god for all the joy in my life

Oh, but most of all
For butterfly kisses after bedtime prayer;
sticking little white flowers all up in her hair;
“Walk beside the pony, Daddy, it’s my first ride.”
“I know the cake looks funny, Daddy, but I sure tried.”
In all that I’ve done wrong I know
I must have done something right
to deserve a hug every morning
and butterfly kisses at night.

Sweet 16 today
She’s looking like her mama a little more everyday
One part woman, the other part girl.
To perfume and make-up from ribbons and curls
Trying her wings out in a great big world.

But I remember
Butterfly kisses after bedtime prayer
sticking little white flowers all up in her hair.
“You know how much I love you, Daddy,
But if you don’t mind
I’m only gonna kiss you on the cheek this time.”
With all that I’ve done wrong
I must have done something right
to deserve her love every morning
and butterfly kisses at night.

All the precious time
Like the wind, the years go by.
Precious butterfly.
Spread your wings and fly.

She’ll change her name today.
She’ll make a promise and I’ll give her away.
Standing in the bride-room just staring at her.
She asked me what I’m thinking and I said “I’m not sure
-I just feel like I’m losing my baby girl.”
She leaned over…
gave me butterfly kisses with her mama there,
Sticking little white flowers all up in her hair
“Walk my down the aisle, Daddy-it’s just about time.”
“Does my wedding gown look pretty, Daddy? Daddy, don’t cry!”

Oh, with all that I’ve done wrong I must have done something right.
To deserve your love every morning and butterfly kisses
-I couldn’t ask God for more, man this is what love is.

I know I gotta let her go,
but I’ll always remember
every hug in the morning and butterfly kisses.
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