BIGAY TO NI TATAY

Sunday, August 28, 2005
bigay to ni tatay  

   my phone was just a few inches away from the lady’s hand,but i decided against it the last minute.no, i just could not give it up.
  
   bigay to ni tatay.

   it’s been more than ten years since he left the country for the so called greener pasture.that day is still vivid in memory.t’was a turning point, it marked the end of my childhood and the start of my eccentricity, that led to the person i am now.but what am i really now?
   
   tay,kilala mo pa ba ako?
   for children, 8 o’ clock is bedtime, but not for me.as a child, i hate going to sleep, especially when staying awake meant i would be waiting for my never failing variety of ‘pasalubong’-chips, little toys, books, my father would come up with all sorts of presents, that made him the most thoughtful man in my book.

   i’ve never been used to fairy tales for bedtime,i figured then i can read them on my own,the tales i favor most are the stories from my father’s days of work.it was from those stories that i’ve learned- theoretically at least-how one lives life, for himself and for others,the difference of what’s real from what’s farce, of what’s important from what’s not.he used to regale me with his stories in a non-imposing manner but i was compelled to listen anyway, and to believe.i was his fan, i am his number one fan.well okay,number two, nobody can top my mom.

   si Inay sigurista.
   back in primary school, my mother would always make sure i’ve the healthy combo for my baon,the stuff kids of those age hate to eat. i never bother to complain.
   si tatay kasi ang naghahatid sa akin araw-araw.
   my father would always give in whenever i ask him to buy the snacks i want.
   wag lang candies,ayaw na ayaw ni tatay na kumakain ako ng candy.

   until the fifth grade,i never got to carry my schoolbag,father would not let me.he would always buy those easy-to-pull rolling trolly bags every june for my own convenience,only for him to carry them up and down the school’s stairs.
   ayaw ni tatay ng nabibigatan ako sa kahit anong dinadala ko.  
(to be continued, naiiyak ako!lech!)

7 sept-hafta finish this…no more tears…
   one of things that i miss most are those motorcycle rides.my father has instilled in me the love for bikes.t’was like flying.whenever i’m down,i long to hop on a bike and temporarilyleave all worries behind, but he’s not there to drive.i do not know when i’d be flying again.i doubt he’d still be up to it.
   my father has never used the disciplinarian’s stick.he’s a non-believer of inflicting physical pain as a child’s punishment.he’ll indulge you in an awful silent treatment, so awful that you’d drive yourself nuts with guilt for whatever you’ve done and you’d never sit still ’til you’ve made your peace with him. he’s effective that way.
   he’s an undergrad, nevertheless he’s done everything to be a good provider.he’s taught me the importance of respect and honesty.too bad, he’s not around to see me learning and applying everything he’s taught.
   maybe he loves us too much, too much that it’s blinded him to the fact that i, we need him more than anything that he can earn.that day when he first left for another country is still etched in my mind,i was helpless as he was kind.he held me in his arms and whispered loads of requests,for me to take charge and take care of my mother and sibs.he whispered loads of promises while my tears flowed,unable to do anything.
   i was 11 then,i knew it would never be the same again, and that was the first time i had my heart broken.
   elementary school has commenced.my speech of gratitude was for tatay.i’ve delivered it while wishing i’d see you there among the audience,prepping myself for the most pleasant surprise.but no, you just promised you’d be there next time.
   every ounce of effort in high school was spent in making sure i’ll have that speech again for you.four years of effort but there was no TATAY in my graduation.i delivered it with that feverishe yearning of seeing you,of you being able to listen to every word i’ve wirtten, i’ve delivered the entire speech with my eyes scanning the back of the crowd, willing you to be there.but i ended the speech bursting into tears.i was everybody’s favorite,t’was my night but sadly i never felt it.i told myself i’d never do a speech again.
   i turned 18, i did not wish for a party.but my ‘rents insisted on it.Tatay said that’s what’s right for his eldest.i was in no position to argue.everybody celebrated,but myself.i was still under that illussion that you’d be the surprise gift for my first dance.
   i guess i had too much of those kind of films.my life is not a movie.

   years passed,i’ve my own child now.a lot has succumbed to the inevitable change,including my father.he’s succumbed to changing in a manner i’ve never believed possible.
   his last letter says he misses me, the strongwilled,hard-headed,stubborn me, and that i no longer call. the letter says he no longer knows what’s happening to me, whether i’m coping with being a single mom and all. he says it seems i’ve lost interest in communicating with him.
   i’ve written him lots of letters asking him to come back home.my brother needs him.my sisters miss him.my mother loves him.i’ve called during that time when it seemed i’ve hit rock bottom, and a woman’s voice answered my father’s mobile phone number.since then i’ve never called again.
   for the longest time i’ve refused to believe the rumors.for the longest time, i’ve tried my best to just believe the father that i used to know.in the end i’ve believed lies,for what i’ve refused to accept came full force and slapped me in the face.
   ’til now, nobody has ever realized how i’ve been affected.but then again, so much has happened for me to realized i really cannot blame anyone for anything, things happen.
   i’m still longing for my father.longing for him to come back for good.longing for us to have that talk.i know that after everything, he’d understand, and i would.he’d listen in a way that would make understanding easy,in a manner that would tell me it’s over, everything’s going back to what it used to be, 13 years ago.
  13 years,such a long time was lost, would he still know me?i’m know i’m not the girl i used to be, the one used to always make him proud.would he still be the same TATAY i’ve known before?he’s sick now.he would have to come home eventually.i no longer care who or how many women he’s been with just as long as he comes home.i need him.we need him, and i know he needs us.
   my phone was a fe inches away from the guy’s hand… and i gave it to him.i turned my back before anyone in the store could see the tears welled up in my eyes.
  bigay yun ni tatay.
   he was very proud when he gave it to me,the phone connects us.and now it’s gone.it’s gotta go, that i know.and again, my heart’s broken.

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will we ever sing this?

butterfly kisses

There’s two things I know for sure
She was sent here from heaven
and she’s daddy’s little girl. As I drop to my knees by her bed at night
She talks to Jesus and I close my eyes
and I thank god for all the joy in my life

Oh, but most of all
For butterfly kisses after bedtime prayer;
sticking little white flowers all up in her hair;
“Walk beside the pony, Daddy, it’s my first ride.”
“I know the cake looks funny, Daddy, but I sure tried.”
In all that I’ve done wrong I know
I must have done something right
to deserve a hug every morning
and butterfly kisses at night.

Sweet 16 today
She’s looking like her mama a little more everyday
One part woman, the other part girl.
To perfume and make-up from ribbons and curls
Trying her wings out in a great big world.

But I remember
Butterfly kisses after bedtime prayer
sticking little white flowers all up in her hair.
“You know how much I love you, Daddy,
But if you don’t mind
I’m only gonna kiss you on the cheek this time.”
With all that I’ve done wrong
I must have done something right
to deserve her love every morning
and butterfly kisses at night.

All the precious time
Like the wind, the years go by.
Precious butterfly.
Spread your wings and fly.

She’ll change her name today.
She’ll make a promise and I’ll give her away.
Standing in the bride-room just staring at her.
She asked me what I’m thinking and I said “I’m not sure
-I just feel like I’m losing my baby girl.”
She leaned over…
gave me butterfly kisses with her mama there,
Sticking little white flowers all up in her hair
“Walk my down the aisle, Daddy-it’s just about time.”
“Does my wedding gown look pretty, Daddy? Daddy, don’t cry!”

Oh, with all that I’ve done wrong I must have done something right.
To deserve your love every morning and butterfly kisses
-I couldn’t ask God for more, man this is what love is.

I know I gotta let her go,
but I’ll always remember
every hug in the morning and butterfly kisses.
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SKY HIGH CHEESY

24 AUG 2005

TINGNAN MO NAMAN AKO

Intro:

I:

Maganda s’ya, gusto mo s’ya
Suwerte n’ya mahal mo s’ya
Pero laking malas ko
Sa akin kaibigan lang ang
turing mo

II:

Sa puso mo wala ako
Sa panaginip ko mahal mo
ako
Doo’y akin ka
Doo’y laging kasama
ka

Chorus:

Tingnan mo naman
Tingnan mo naman
Tingnan mo naman sana
ako
Kahit hindi ako kasing
ganda ng mahal mo
Hanggang pangarap lang ba
Maging akin ka
Kahit na s’ya ang iyong
mahal
Tanging dasal sa Maykapal
sana
Tingnan mo naman ako

III:

Mababaw lang naman ako
Makita ka lang masaya na
ako
Minsan pa nga iniisip ko
Ako’ng mahal mo s’yang
ayaw mo
(Repeat Chorus 2x)

….naman ako oooh
23 aug 2005

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SKY HIGH WAS UHMMMM… CUTE!NO OTHER WAY TO DESCRIBE IT.FIRST TIME I SAW ITS TRAILER,I KNEW I GOTTA SEE IT.THE CONCEPT WAS GOOD, SO GOOD I THOUGHT THERE’S SO MUCH MORE ROOM FOR IMPROVING THE FILM, SO MUCH AREAS AND IDEAS TO EXPLORE.BUT IT REMAINS, THEY’VE MANAGED TO MAKE THE MOVIE CUTE. THE CHARACTERS ARE QUITE INTERESTING THOUGH THE STORY WAS QUITE COMMON,NEVERTHELESS, ITS GOT THE INGREDIENTS ONE’S TO EXPECT FROM DISNEY FILMS, FOREMOST OF WHICH IS THE UNADULTERATED KIDDIE KIND OF FUN.
***************************************

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AND UHMMM, ‘TIS GUY WAS HOT!!!
FIGURATIVELY AND LITERALLY!
GO SEE THE FILM TO FIND OUT WHY
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   uhmmmm… the sausage was delish… but cuddling was more delish… don’t ask why, toldja, you’re my butterfly…

TWO BEERS,THREE VODKAS AND HALF A BOTTLE OF CUERVO

Sunday, August 21, 2005
two beers,three vodkas and half a bottle of cuervo

…after two bottles of beer, three of vodka and half a bottle of cuervo, i’m now aware of the amount of thought supposedly inside my head,quivering for release…gathered from this past week…that unexpectedly turned out to be one of the best weeks i’ve had after quite some time…

   and don’t worry…for i know MAGIC is NOT REAL…

   Must Love Dogs…must love…

   it’s one of those few instances that i’m on time.however, one would be fooling himself if he’d believe i was on time just ‘coz i’m a tad too excited in seeing the film.admittedly i am, but i’m more giddy of seeing him again.
   nowadays, being with him feels like coming home to a place one has known before.it’s a place one has already explored and experienced, always beckoning for one’s return, always waiting for one to be home again. being with him is being safe and protected.being with him is a different kind of high. being with him is being at peace, wordless, effortless, regardless.
   being with him feels like coming home to where i’ve been.it reacquaints me with the fears from which i’ve hidden my tears.it reintroduces the demons i’ve fought so hard against.being with him reminds me that everyday, i’ve to match every ounce of trust with a pound of strength.
   being with him i’ve learned that tomorrow i can never be sure if someone would be there for me, so i gotta be there for myself. being with him taught me that i have to relish and cherish each and every minute of the present time,for one would never know what the future holds, moreover , when it will come.
   being with him is similar to having a very warm blanket around one’s body, sipping hot chocolate on a cold rainy day.and just like other rainy days, one would never know when one would be caught in a downpour, without anything to warm her but the memories of those blissful days.

******************************************

…MUST LOVE DOGS WAS NOT ONLY A MOVIE ABOUT A WOMAN STRUGGLING TO FIND SOMEONE TO LOVE WHO WOULD RECIPROCATE THE EMOTIONS AND EVENTUALLY REPLACE THE VACUUM THAT’S BEEN HER LIFE SINCE HER DIVORCE…IT’S ALSO ABOUT STRUGGLING TO FIND ONE’S LOVE FOR ONE’S SELF…FOR INDEED, ONE CANNOT GIVE WHAT ONE DOESN’T HAVE…BUT THEN AGAIN, EVEN IN LOVING OURSELVES, THE WAYS VARY, THE INTENSITY DIFFERS AND ONE’S LOVE AFFAIR WITH ONE’S SELF, LIKE MOST LOVE AFFAIRS, WOULD NOT NECESSARILY LAST FOREVER… 

*****************************************
last weekend (20&21st,aug 2005)

   reg, i was crying when you called ‘coz i’ve missed you sooo much.been tryin to contact you for weeks but i know you can’t be reached when you don’t wanna be reached. i’ve been longing for your company sis, have sooo many things to tell you, to ask you.so many things have happened, and i just know i’d be at peace when i can tell you all of those things, it’s not only in the way you listen but with you i know that i won’t be judged nor would i be chastised.regardless of my occassional insanity, you’ve got a way of understanding me.and we’ve got a way of enjoying each other’s company doing nothing but talking…and talking… and talking.all of those things i’ve missed, BIG time!i’m glad you’re back.
 ”kaw naman, aalis ka na nga, nawawala ka pa. sis, jan ka lang ha.love you sis!mwah!” 

********************************
…IT MIGHT BE TOO EARLY TO TELL, BUT SKELETON KEY IS A FILM THAT FALLS ALONG THE CATEGORY OF “THE OTHERS” AND “THE SIXTH SENSE”. IT’S GOT THE SAME SUBSTANCE THAT MAKES HAIR ON THE BACK OF ONE’S NECK STANDS. THERE’RE PARTS OF THE MOVIE THAT WOULD MAKE A ONE BELIEVE HE’S GOT IT ALL FIGURED OUT THINKING THE FILM IS PREDICTABLE AND ALL.AND JUST WHEN ONE THOUGHT THIS FILM, LIKE ANY OTHER FILMS WOULD RESURRECT AND HAVE ITS PROTAGONIST SUCCEED IN THE END, ONE’S GOTTA THINK AGAIN.THIS IS ONE FILM ONE CANNOT APPRECIATE FULLY ‘TIL ONE HAS SEEN ITS END…
********************************
 
  chard,there’re no plans of meeting, but when you asked me to watch the skeleton keys i remember my heart leaping.you have those days when you just feel like calling and going around in circles talking when in fact we can talk when we meet up.you have those days when you’re just the sweetest being alive, and you keep this smile pasted on my face and there is nowhere to hide. you have those days when your hug gives the nicest feeling in the entire man-kingdom. you have those days when your kiss in the forehead  feels like the most romantic thing i’ve ever known.you have those days of picking up the must see films and you have those days of makin everything else fade but us.

 you have those days when being with you feels like home…

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“Feels Like Home”
chantal kreviazuk
OST:Dawson’s Creek

Somethin’ in your eyes, makes me wanna lose myself
Makes me wanna lose myself, in your arms
There’s somethin’ in your voice, makes my heart beat fast
Hope this feeling lasts, the rest of my life

If you knew how lonely my life has been
And how long I’ve been so alone
And if you knew how I wanted someone to come along
And change my life the way you’ve done

It feels like home to me, it feels like home to me
It feels like I’m all the way back where I come from
It feels like home to me, it feels like home to me
It feels like I’m all the way back where I belong

A window breaks, down a long, dark street
And a siren wails in the night
But I’m alright, ’cause I have you here with me
And I can almost see, through the dark there is light

Well, if you knew how much this moment means to me
And how long I’ve waited for your touch
And if you knew how happy you are making me
I never thought that I’d love anyone so much

It feels like home to me, it feels like home to me
It feels like I’m all the way the back where I come from
It feels like home to me, it feels like home to me
It feels like I’m all the way back where I belong
It feels like I’m all the way back where I belong

*****************************************************

RAW

28 oct 2005

unang bote

pota tlaga sarap uminom.lalo na malamig ang panahon.e wala naman ibang magawa e,sabayan ka ba naman ng friday na off na wala kang kasama, ang saya-saya di ba? lech kasi bakit nasanay ako…ang tanga-tanga ko talaga! buti na lang may internet shop na may beer…har! har! long live alcoholics! teka check ko muna boards…

2nd bote

damn! “second” bote! i sound so coñotic na ate! hehe! eeeewwww! e ang haba ng spelling ng tagalog e bakit ba, e kung ano lumabas sa bibig ko diretso sa keyboards no!kainis no smoking…dapat walang mga bar na non-smoking, kawawa naman mga smokers sa pilipinas, very deprived…palala ng palala ang prejudice against smokers…bakit ba? kayo ba ang magkaka-emphysema ha?! hmp! teka balik boards…po-post ko na ang hindi ko ma-post…eto na… *tagal nung waiter paubos na beer ko*

3rd bote

yan…napost ko na pictures ni ted and fred…har har har! i feel sooooooo… wala… wala akong nararamdaman…wala lang… ni-challenge ko lang ang sarili ko kung kaya kong i-expose ang sarili ko…wala akong nafi-feel na fulfillment,,,kasi i know in the next few days idi-delete ko din yun… cguro ipinanganak akong closet nympho…bwahahahahaha… potah…ang sakit talaga…gusto kong matulog hindi ako makatulog…ilang libro na ung pinagpalit-palitan kong basahin pero wala akong naiintindihan… leche!beer pa! ilang araw ko ng pinipigilan pero ngayon hindi ko na kaya… kelangan kong mamanhid…. kelangan kong hindi makaramdam… hindi na ako dapat magtanong dahil ayaw ko na din ng mgs kabullshitang sagot… this too shall pass (yeah right!)… kaya kp to, lalaki lang yan (keep telling yourself that!)… he does not deserve me, i’m better off without him, e potah bakit hindi ako masaya… tama lang yung gnawa nya, e lechugas masakit no! alam mo ba yung masakit, the kind of pain that haunts you in your weakest moments, alm mo ba yung pakiramdam nun? hindi! at hindi mo mararamdaman…paano ba naman, masiyado kitang minahal…lahat na yata nagawa ko pwera na lang siguro yung magpabaril sa luneta…sa totoo lang, yun na lang ang lamang sa akin ni rizal! sa lahat kaya ng nagawa ko, ni minsan kaya, napasaya kita?yung masayang masaya? wag akong tanungin dahil nakakainis ang sagot ko….dahil sa lahat ng ginawa ko, masaya ako…masayang-masaya…yun nga lang…hobby mo na yata na iwan ako…

4th bote

pota last na dpat, qouta na ako.nasa tapat lang ang bahay pero ayokong magsuka…sa lahat ng ayaw ko e yung umiinom na nagsusuka…kung hindi mo na kaya, ilabas mo sa kanta, sa tawa, sa sayaw…or ganito…mgblog ka…wag ka lang magsuka….eeeewww! mabait sa kin ang alcohol kaya sumasama ang loob ko pag isinusuka lang siya, hehe ang drama ko talaga…o amats na?oo naman…apat na red horse, alam ko pag amats na ako no…wsh ko lang hindi pang txt ang tinatype ko…at tama pa ang spelling ko… pag sineswerte ka nga naman…babatukan ko na tong lalaki sa tabi ko…pls alng no, hindi ako nag-ayos at nagsuot ng blouse w/ plunging neckline for him no!taba nang tumingin sha, but to downright stare, pota, bubuhos ko sa kanya beer ko… (as if kaya ko!hmp! mga lalaki talaga, makakita lang ng boobs! hmp!)…teka namamanhid na ba ako? uhmmmm… hindi pa…sandali, isa pa dapat…teka…cge kaya pa…wish ko lang magising ako ng maaga para mabura ko ang mga pinagsusulat ko dito dahil sa totoo lang….these thoughts are raw…to the truest sense of the word raw.

5th bote

basahan! yan ang pakiramdam ko! basahan!na matapos malinis o mapunasan ang dumi at mga kalat, pwede nang itapon…para palitan ng mas maganda at mas malinis… hindi pwedeng magreklamo, magtaka, o magtanong, dahil isa akong basahan…bakit? pumayag naman ako di ba? ksalanan ko din naman…oo na…pero sawa na ako na akuin lagi ang pagkakamali…lech…ganun na lang palagi…mabuti ba sana kung sa katapusan may kadamay ako e…pero wala…kasi ang tanging makakaintindi sa kin ikaw din naman…pero katulad ng dati, sa ganitong pagkakataon, wala kang panahon sa luma mong basahan…

samantalang dati…tawag ka ng tawag…kahit hindi ka taningin, pinapaalam mo kung saan ka pupunta…ngssbi ka pag tutulog ka na…hniling ko ba yun? hinde! once a week, o minsan twice pa kung manood tayo ng sine…alam na alam mo kung ano ang gusto kong panoorin…every other week kung mag bar tau at almost every other day kung mag-mall o mag-coffee…did i ask for that?no i did not…it just…happened…kasi nga we’re friends…(daw…)but now you’re expecting that i’d unlearv to enjoy those things in a snap…hindi mo alam kung gaano kahirap ang pinapagawa mo sa akin…. u hugged me, u kissed me w/o me asking and now u expect i unlearn how those things feel in just a snap… u don’t have any idea how difficult that is… you now have gf who can’t stand even a mere mention of my name and another female friend who’s replaced my position as your coffee companion who’s more acceptable to your gf just cause she doesn’t pose competition…. BUT AM NO COMPETITION! i just happened to your ex who’s dumb enough to still carry this torch for you pero alam ko na may mga pangarap na mananatilig pangarap na lamang…dahil hindi mo na ako kayang mahalin, hindi kita masisisis dahil siguro nga mas maraming eligible na babae na pumipila sa yo…i’m not exactly what one would call as eligible you know, i’m not exactly the type of girl a guy would like to bring home to his mom and would be proud of at the same time…tanggap kp yun…i know what i have to offer…andsad to say, it’s not enough for you…yung pagmamahal na ipinaramdam, ibinigay at ipinakita mo nung mga panahong tayo pa, na sana mas iningatan ko, yun ang pangarap ko… PERO NATANGGAP KO NA NA NGAYON PANGARAP LANG YUN… kaya nga nanghihiram na lang ako kahit konting oras e…pero ngayon wala na rin yun….and you can’t even imagine what i’m going through right now…

paano kaya ako uuwi?maglalakad as usual…pero lord, please lang…sana pag-uwi ko, hindi na ako umiyak, ayko nang makaramdam…para naman pag-uwi ko bukas, magandang mukha ang ihaharap ko sa baby ko….siya na lang ang natitirang maganda sa buhay ko…and i wanna give her all i’ve got… yung mga bagay na hindi naappreciate ng iba, sana paglaki ng babay ko, kahit paano, ma-aapreciate nya…

lord, ayaw ko na pong umiyak…malungkot ako… malungkot na malungkot… hindi na ako mkapagsabi sa mga kaibigan ko dahil babatukan na talaga nila ako sa katangahan ko…at nahihiya na rin ako sa kanila…lord hindi ko kine question ang mga plans or decisions mo…pero sana ipaalam mo po sa akin ang dahilan kung bakit ako nagmahal ng ganito katindi sa taong hindi naman ako kayang alagaan, pahalagahan at mahalin…hindi naman ako naghahanap ng kapalit, nagtatanong lang, gusto ko lang maintindihan…pasensha Ka na ha, nasasaktan lang ako talaga, alam Mo naman siguro how much he means to me, pasensha ka na talaga…at sana sa tuwing pag-iyak ko, patahanin mo naman ako…napapagod na din po ako…not mine but Thy will be done…

BEGINNING TODAY

Tuesday, August 16, 2005
beginning today….   [Edit]

…beginning today, i’d love you my way, no matter what they say…

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it’s like a big fist…
twisting the heart in pain…
it’s like a cruel trick…
enough to drive one insane…
but i cannot let go of sanity…
no matter how much i’m in vain…
too much depends on me…
painful,cruel, crazy…

i’m crawling, trying, damning….
i’m shouting, screaming but you can’t hear thing…
i’m looking but not really seeing anything…
i’m existing, breathing but i’m not, in any way, living…
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…today you’d be back,be seeing you in the airport,am giddy with anticipation of seeing you. i’ve made a promise to myself i’d enjoy everyminute of it, and i’m gonna see to it i fulfill my promise, i owe it to myself.as early as now, i’m thanking you for every smile -and pout-that you would once again put on my face ….