so true…

You would be amazed at how far you can go,
from the point you thought was the end…

I know… I am.

…

i have spent the day at work trying to inspire myself with thoughts of you…
of how you’ve wrapped me in your warm embrace asleep last night…

then i came home to find out you won’t spend the night…
then i found these pics, these pages… what you’ve done for the day…
while i was busying myself missing you

every fiber of my being is at it’s breaking point right now…
i can’t even touch our kids for fear i might explode…
you, once again, ruined me today…

AND i am about to give up…
so help me God…this is my family…
and i want to give it all i have…
but my Lord, look into my heart…
you’ll see the pain’s so deep it’s etched in my very being…
look down, you’ll see me writing with nonstop tears falling…
Lord, look into my heart, it’s all shattered… and dead tired…
is it really too much to ask You, to give me back the father of my children?
is it really too much to ask You, to let me live happily, just this once?
i’m tired of too much pain, i’ve lived with it everyday
i’m tired of tears, of crying myself to sleep
of being calm the next day, only to fear the next instance i’d be hurting again so badly…

on a Monday morning

There’re eyebags under my eyes…had a muffin for breakfast…
I am craving for puffs of smoke…to take away the sleepiness
My nanny texted me my kids were looking for me when they woke up…
Pass a couple of early morning accidents on the hi-way on my way to work…
My butt’s still sore from sitting on the bus steps due to lack of space in that full-packed makati bound vehicle…
And in my inbox  are a couple of reminders to correct errors on last week’s reports…

Yes…it definitely is a MONDAY!

loser

do you know how it feels…
to look at pics of lovely couples smiling…
while you end up crying?
thinking that each time i try to take our picture…
you’d rather not be looking.

do you know how it feels…
to work day after day
without anything to look forward at the end of the week…
but days & evenings of anguish…
thinking of where you are and who you are with…
and dealing with the fact, that i consented,
and letting you get away with it. do you know how it feels…
to fear that one day our child would look at me
and tell me it’s all my fault
…because I am not beautiful enough
…because I am not nice enough
…because I am not good enough
…because I didn’t fight enough.

do you know how it feels…
to consent to something wrong,
just so I could fight for something right,
without any assurance of winning?

do you know how it feels…
to finally admit to myself that nothing’s left…
all self-esteem and self-respect are lost,
all that’s left is the day to day fight to survive,
and that sometimes even fleets, and leaves me empty,
near crazy.

do you know how it feels…
when I have nowhere to run,
and the only person I am supposed to turn to
wanted to very much turn his back on me…

do you know how it feels…
to realize that dying is not the worst that could happen to me…
to know that I could feel death over and over…
but would still have to live?
you’re LUCKY if you don’t…
for I Do.

…

I don’t know how much more I could take
Any moment now I could just break…
I’m tired of my feigned smiles and being a pretentious fake
Bleeding while chasing your love in it’s wake…