tsk tsk!

       I just got back to working my graveyard shifts and just about getting my groove back. I was told in a few weeks I am to be assigned to the dayshift account. Turns out the said account requires vet analysts to do the job for the agents back there do practically everything. My boss really don’t have a choice but assign me and the other vet analyst in an alternating schedule. Everything was okay with me. Was even excited I’d get to spend evenings with the kids. And being in this industry, that’s very rare and therefore, precious.
       But wait, there’s more! I’ve just started training for the said account when I learned of a really unfortunate thing. One of the agents in the team - that I would be monitoring and coaching closely, daily - was diagnosed with tuberculosis, STAGE 3!!! My immediate reaction was a mere "oh!". Then compassion. The agent in question was formerly included in my roster back in the graveyard shift. He was selected for the dayshift account for he’s developed to be quite a topseller which the said account requires. I’ve seen him developed from a hardly-able-to-speak-english noob to an assertive seller and quality performer. He’s one of the agents I am proud of. He’s one of the agents who inspires me and reminds me something good actually comes out of what I’m doing. And that’s important to me. Then this. I really felt sorry, for him, and for his wife and kids.
     Again, there’s more. The human being in me started to think selfishly. I realized that while he’s in a sorry situation, he also put his colleagues at risk. TB is highly contagious owing to the fact that the bacteria causing it is airborne. A sneeze could carry thousands of them at least ten feet from the source. And needless to say, everybody who got wind of the news got scared. One girl even went absent the next day to go and have herself checked up. Tongues went wagging here and unfortunately, I really couldn’t blame them. It IS indeed SCARY.
    He was given a couple of weeks leave. Yes, 14 days… ONLY! The manager’s reason? It’s curable. The hell it’s curable! Does she think anybody gives a rat’s ass about that? Isn’t it enough that a lot of people were already unnecessarily and unknowingly exposed to potential harm. The guy needs the job, that he still wants to go to work. And the manager, AGREED! uhhh…DOLE, is this even legal???
     As sorry as I am. I have to be selfish somehow. I really couldn’t expose myself to potential harm when I know I could possibly share that harm with my kids. And I have a toddler and a newborn to boot. They really don’t have enough resistance for such. So yes, I thought selfish, I still am. and now I am faced with the dilemma of whether I’d take the assignment silently as I usually do and risk the aforementioned. Or I can voice out my concern to my immediate boss.  I would not want himto be sacked. As I’ve said he’s gotten good in doing his job. I just would like to be assured he’d only be coming back when he’s well and good, for his and for everybody else’s sake. But how I would do that without sounding unfeeling is beyond me.
      And I am just wondering how come the department who handles these sort of things isn’t lifting a finger to straighten everything out, help this person with his situation and calm everybody else down. Why would they allow him to go back when everybody knows he isn’t well not only to do his job but simply to be with other people. I only hope they’re not going to wait for something else to happen before they take action. I only have a few weeks left in the graveyard schedule and really this has been of the things constantly nagging me. To do something about it or not to, that is the question.

LAME

03.29.08
text message: "ei, happy happy birthday! how did you celebrate yesterday?"

my reply: i didn’t.

Vantage Point

                    I’ve once again fallen for what I call the "trailer trap". Every so often, I find a film’s trailer so exciting I couldn’t wait to see the movie, only to be dissappointed aftwerwards.Though I have to say Vantage Point was not THAT dissappointing. The plot, though used one too many times before, was presented well and the "Rahomon" style of narration gave it more edge. It was basically about unlocking the mystery concerning the US President’s assassination. But unlike the usual mystery/crime movies wherein they would spend days, and even months of invistigation conducted by a group of officers in charge, this movie lasted for less than 24hours.The mystery unfolded using different videos and recordings, right there and then, from a number of guests who witnessed the incident in different angles. It’s an action film with a happy ending. Yep, culprit’s been caught, dead people who ought to be dead died, people who ought to be saved lived.I’ve just got one question though : Would a notorious terrorist who’s already killed and wounded a multitude, really swerve his car away to avoid running over a little girl and consequently sabotage their plan?!?  coz in this film, that’s what they did.

oh yeah..my thoughts exactly.

Rating: 2 1/2 popcorns

not a superwoman

                                                                                                                        03-10-08          

B,

              Hindi yung bata ang problema ko, ikaw. Hindi yung bata ang nakakasakit sa akin, ikaw. 

            I am torn between writing this or just letting it pass, again. But I guess nothing could be done unless I do. As much as possible I would like to keep my silence, as opposed to your pre-conceived notion that I am a nag and I have got a machine gun mouth. Each time I open my mouth and try to say what I really feel, I immediately am threatened of your long list of justifications and how you would turn the table on me, so I close my mouth again. Time and again, you would ask me what is wrong and that’s when I am aware that you are more than ready to defend yourself if I say something that is even slightly against you. You’ve never been much of the “ay sorry kasalanan ko kasi…” type of guy. Or maybe if you love the girl in question, you’d be that humble.

            I am overwhelmed of how beautiful our children are and still could not believe how lucky we are to have them. Albeit, the circumstances are not all favorable, I still feel blessed whenever I look at them. And it hurts deeply whenever you insinuate that I don’t want to take care of them. I may not be the perfect mother material, but I try to do my best, and in my book, that is the most important thing. I know that at any given time I am asked to choose between anything and this family, I would choose you and the children in a heartbeat. I know that in whatever situation, I would always stand by our children, protecting them, caring for them. I’ve had dreams of my own before, but the children are more important now. I admit I get frustrated at times when I fail to calm the baby down or put him to sleep, but not all the time that you think I do. At the very least, I don’t get frustrated too many times to warrant your barrage of criticisms.
          Yes, you’re criticisms affect me, badly. At first I thought it is okay, that it is humbling and at least I am reminded of my mistakes every now and then. Then the ‘every now and then’ turn into being a nonstop cycle. On an ordinary situation I really wouldn’t mind. I would even take it as a challenge and face it head on. But the things you say nowadays are actually not helping. You take the bait each time you can. You jump on me each time there’s an opportunity. Nothing bad ever happened here because of you. I am or the things I do are – according to you- always the catalysts causing mess. I don’t think you are even aware of your tendencies to always blame things on me. 
             My already very low self-esteem takes the blow each time, and each time, I feel myself sink deeper and deeper. I find myself as I puff those cigs thinking if there is something I could do not to get such treatment. And as I finish a stick I go back to my resolve of just letting it pass unnoticed, for fear that you would just say “hindi na nga ako magsasalita”. I am reminded of the cliché to just keep my trap shut if I can say nothing good and it drives me crazy thinking that there really is nothing good you could say about me. I even feel you just criticize me for lack of things to say. At times, aside from feeling you don’t really love me, your words make me think that somehow you hate me. And that would justify how you could treat me in a way no woman - regardless of the situation - deserves. 

I get it, you can’t tell me the mushy things I crave. You also can’t say sweet nothings to make me feel better about myself. And it is utterly difficult for you to compliment me on anything. It is almost impossible for you to appreciate me. You cannot and you do not want to. And I can do nothing about that. I just get by each day looking at the children, our children. I just hope you would be aware that as happy as I am with our kids, I am the least pleased with myself. Right now I feel like the ugliest, biggest, dumbest, unattractive, most-impossible-to-appreciate woman ever to walk on earth. I guess that’s how one feels when she knows she’s given more than her everything and nothing ever worked. I guess that’s how I feel when I am blind to things you do wrong and all I notice are the things you do just right. And you are just being the opposite. Again, I kept my mouth shut about this for fear that you would just say

“ alam mo naman ang sitwasyon di ba?”
  Hindi dahil alam ko ang sitwasyon, kaya ko ng utusan ang sarili ko na huwag masaktan.
 

And feeling this way, critiscisms thrown my way at every possible opportunity just tear me apart, harshly. I have not asked you to stop reminding me of things I need to correct, I just suggested you might want to lighten up the blow at times. “Hindi na nga ako magsasalita di ba, ano pa bang gusto mo?”, that is what you would say.
            I don’t get frustrated with the baby as much as I do with you.

I never gave up on us but I have to admit I have already given up on hoping someday you would see your own mistakes without me initiating you to do so, that someday you would see my point and learn to treat me better.
               I know I have told you before not to think of me as the mother of your child. The situation is different now and I know you better. I am taking that back. I am the mother of your children so if you could at least give me that. It’s not much, a little respect would do. Appreciation I would not even ask, it is something I would like to receive from someone who would like to give it to me. And you made me realize I should not be doing so many things just so you would appreciate me, you would if you want to. And if you don’t want to, there’s nothing I would ever do that could make you think twice about whether what you’re doing is wrong or right.
              I have been, on several occasions, brought to thinking whether I should just take all these by myself and just let you go on with your life, without us, for good. 
              Minsan iniisip ko kung mas okay pa ba na mahirapan na lang kesa masaktan. Pero alam ko pag iniwan mo na kami, napakasakit at napakahirap din.
              “Yan kasi ang iniisip mo,” “Yan kasi ang dating sayo,” “Hindi ko na problema yun kung ganyan ka mag-isip,” “Hindi ko na kasalanan yun kung yan ang dating sayo”- are among the things you say that hurt me the most. Aside from drilling it unto me that you are faultless and it’s my own doing that’s why I am hurting, those things are tantamount to saying ‘I am not saying sorry for I did you nothing wrong’ Whenever you say any of those things, I get lost. Words get flushed out of my brain and my heart beats in a way that is physically painful. It’s the endpoint. It’s the juncture that I can say nothing no more. What would I say when you’re convinced I am hurting because of my own doing? What else could I do when you absolutely believe you have done all good and unaware of anything you’ve done otherwise? When you say those things, the point of talking to you immediately gets lost. No matter what I say or do after that, you’ll just repeat or rephrase your words, but would actually mean the same.
              I don’t want to fight no more. There’s no sense fighting the person I am fighting for.
  Pagod na din ako. Hindi sa pag-aalaga ng bata o paggawa dito sa bahay.
   I am tired of keeping my composure at all times and making myself look okay when inside I am breaking, each day. I am tired of crying and nowadays no matter how I try to stem the tears and keep them in, they just keep flowing. I am tired of trying to do each of your bidding. I am tired of trying to get your approval. I am tired of getting validation, from you. I am tired of beating my head up trying to come up with things to please you just so you would find it inside you to appreciate me. I am tired of getting you to look at me, of getting you to hold me. The hurt and the pain has gone so deep it has etched it’s mark in my very being. 
  Lagi kong sinasabi noon na wala kang kailangang gawin.
  Now I’d say something different. I don’t know if you could still save me from this fall but I know you could slow down my falling into this very deep pit of emotional distress. I have said everything and if you would like to deny some or all, defend yourself or something, or say the things I fear, go ahead. Before I wrote this, I have already anticipated the worse from you.
  But now you could not say, I did not tell you. I did. I have always done. You just never listen with your heart. But I do, always have, always will.
   

And it’s during times like this that I realize that I still love you, so much and I wouldn’t be here if I don’t.

of dede’s and meme’s

There are times you thought you knew everything there is to know about a person and about yourself. Until something happens that makes you think otherwise. In my case, it’s having a second child. With a situation as complicated as ours, we have never been on the running for the most outstanding parents’ title. We were immature, confused and childish. Fickle at most times, we had much difficulty making decisions. We’re not awfully young. Some people would even say we’re at the right age starting a family. But it takes more than age, takes more than guts in taking up responsibility. It takes prudence, it takes courage. Best not to go about it alone, from experience, it is possible but most definitely one of the hardest things to do. 

A little more than 3 years ago, I have deemed the father of my child as the worst father a child could have. It’s because of some of the things he’s done and more because of the things he has not. So I chose to stay away. Soon after that, I also thought I am the worst mother my child could have, so I horribly chose to stay away.

The times the 3 of us spent together could be quickly counted. Though those times were admittedly magical, we were just too scared to take it further. Some people would say selfish is more like it. And maybe that’s true. We might have been too scared and selfish to let go of our old carefree lives that we deliberately ignore things that should have been done a long time ago. Might be the same reason we were given a wake up call.

All hopes were almost lost in our so called relationship until another angel came. I came across a line that says ‘A baby is God’s sign that life goes on’. And so it went. Though it didn’t seem like it, we have decided to face the reality head on. We both knew this time there’s no turning back, for the minute we got together with our children, we knew in our hearts we’re hooked for life.

Waiting for time when the second angel is due, everything was done to make it up to our first born. I saw how he is as a father to a daughter. My child instantly became the proverbial daddy’s girl. I could not be more thankful.

And the newborn I now hold in my hands is needless to say, the apple of our eyes. From his cries for milk or diaper change to his small smiles and even his little giggles while sleeping, he is adored.

I would be lying to say it’s all been a bed of roses. Until now, neither of us ever had a long decent sleep. There are rings under our eyes but at the sight of our children we couldn’t care less. As humans, tempers flare once in a while but it passes. Nothing is ever soothing than an angel calling out "Mommy" or "Daddy". Each day is a challenge, a challenge to do the best we can, a challenge to bring out the best in each other, a challenge to give the best to our children, a challenge to make it thru the day. And all throughout, he’s been constant, unfailingly present and even -and he is not like this at all- willing to talk things out. I guess between feeding bottles and drapolene creams, he’s grown. I’ve also been listening more, bting down my retorts more, am able to keep quiet for a change and just obey, guess I have grown as well.

A little more than 3 years ago, I have deemed the father of my child as the worst father a child could have. It’s because of some of the things he’s done and more because of the things he has not. So I chose to stay away. Soon after that, I also thought I am the worst mother my child could have, so I horribly chose to stay away.

Now the father of my child is still not the best father and neither am I the best mom. But we’re all our children have and we are intent on doing our best. And really, it’s the best thing any parent can do. At the end of the day, if your child feels he is loved and complete, then you’re fulfilled.